Joe Miller's JESTS

OR, THE

WITS

VADE-MECUM.

BEING

A Collection of the most Brilliant Jests;
the Politest Repartees; the most Elegant
Bons Mots, and most pleasant short
Stories in the English Language.

First carefully collected in the Company, and
many of them transcribed from the Mouth of the Facetious
Gentleman, whose Name they bear; and now set
forth and published by his lamentable Friend and former
Companion, Elijah Jenkins, Esq;

Most Humbly Inscribed

To those Choice-Spirits of the AGE,

Captain Bodens, Mr. Alexander Pope,
Mr. Professor Lacy, Mr. Orator Henley,
and Job Baker, the Kettle-Drummer.

LONDON:

Printed and Sold by T. Read, in Dogwell-Court, White-Fryars,

Fleet-Street, MDCCXXXIX.

Transcriber's Note: Jest number 59 was omitted from the original text.

JOE MILLER's JESTS.

1. he Duke of A——ll, who says more good Things than any Body,
being behind the Scenes the First Night of the Beggar's Opera,
and meeting Cibber there, well Colley, said he, how d'you
like the Beggar's Opera? Why it makes one laugh, my Lord,
answer'd he, on the Stage; but how will it do in print. O! very well,
I'll answer for it, said the Duke, if you don't write a Preface to
it.[1]

2. There being a very great Disturbance one Evening at Drury-Lane
Play-House, Mr. Wilks, coming upon the Stage to say something to
pacify the Audience, had an Orange thrown full at him, which he having
took up, making a low Bow, this is no Civil Orange, I think, said
he.

3. Mr. H—rr—n, one of the Commissioners of the Revenue in
Ireland, being one Night in the Pit, at the Play-House in
Dublin, Monoca Gall, the Orange Girl, famous for her Wit
and her Assurance, striding over his Back, he popp'd his Hands under her
Petticoats: Nay, Mr. Commissioner, said she, you'll find no Goods there
but what have been fairly entered.

4. Joe Miller sitting one day in the Window at the
Sun-Tavern in Clare-Street, a Fish Woman and her Maid
passing by, the Woman cry'd, Buy my Soals; buy my Maids: Ah, you
wicked old Creature, cry'd honest Joe, What are you not
content to sell your own Soul, but you must sell your Maid's too?

5. When the Duke of Ormond was young, and came first to Court, he
happen'd to stand next my Lady Dorchester, one Evening in the
Drawing-Room, who being but little upon the Reserve on most Occasions,
let a Fart, upon which he look'd her full in the Face and laugh'd.
What's the Matter, my Lord, said she: Oh! I heard it, Madam, reply'd the
Duke, you'll make a fine Courtier indeed, said she, if you mind every
Thing you hear in this Place.

6. A poor Man, who had a termagant Wife, after a long Dispute, in which
she was resolved to have the last Word, told her, if she spoke one more
crooked Word, he'd beat her Brains out: Why then Ram's
Horns, you Rogue, said she, if I die for't.

7. A Gentleman ask'd a Lady at Tunbridge, who had made a very
large Acquaintance among the Beaus and pretty Fellows there, what she
would do with them all. O! said she, they pass off like the Waters; and
pray, Madam, reply'd the Gentleman do they all pass the same
Way?

8. An Hackney-Coachman, who was just set up, had heard that the Lawyers
used to club their Three-Pence a-piece, four of them, to go to
Westminster, and being called by a Lawyer at Temple-Bar,
who, with two others in their Gowns, got into his Coach, he was bid to
drive to Westminster-Hall: but the Coachman still holding his
Door open, as if he waited for more Company; one of the Gentlemen asked
him, why he did not shut the Door and go on, the Fellow, scratching his
Head, cry'd you know, Master, my Fare's a Shilling, I can't go for
Nine-Pence.

9. Two Free-thinking Authors proposed to a Bookseller, that was a little
decayed in the World, that if he would print their Works they would
set him up, and indeed they were as good as their Word, for in
six Week's Time he was in the Pillory.

10. A Gentleman was saying one Day at the Tilt-Yard Coffee-House,
when it rained exceeding hard, that it put him in Mind of the General
Deluge; Zoons, Sir, said an old Campaigner, who stood by, who's
that? I have heard of all the Generals in Europe but him.

11. A certain Poet and Player, remarkable for his Impudence and
Cowardice, happening many Years ago to have a Quarrel with Mr.
Powell, another Player, received from him a smart Box of the Ear;
a few Days after the Poetical Player having lost his Snuff-Box, and
making strict Enquiry if any Body had seen his Box; what said
another of the Buskin'd Wits, that which George Powell
gave you t'other Night?

12. Gun Jones, who had made his Fortune himself from a mean
Beginning, happening to have some Words with a Person who had known him
some Time, was asked by the other, how he could have the Impudence to
give himself so many Airs to him, when he knew very well, that he
remember'd him seven Years before with hardly a Rag to his A—.
You lie, Sirrah, reply'd Jones, seven Years ago I had nothing
but Rags to my A—.

13. Lord R—— having lost about fifty Pistoles, one Night, at
the Gaming-Table in Dublin, some Friends condoling with him upon
his ill Luck, Faith, said he, I am very well pleas'd at what I have
done, for I have bit them, by G—— there is not one Pistole that don't
want Six-Pence of Weight.

14. Mother Needham, about 25 Years age being much in Arrear with
her Landlord for Rent, was warmly press'd by him for his Money, Dear
Sir, said she, how can you be so pressing at this dead Time of the Year,
in about six Weeks Time both the Par——, and the C—n—v—c—n will
sit, and then Business will be so brisk, that I shall be able to pay ten
Times the Sum.

15. A Lady being asked how she liked a Gentleman's Singing, who had a
very stinking Breath, the Words are good, said she, but the
Air is intolerable.

16. The late Mrs. Oldfield being asked if she thought Sir W.
Y. and Mrs. H——n, who had both stinking Breaths, were
marry'd: I don't know, said she, whether they are marry'd; but I am sure
there is a Wedding between them.

17. A Gentleman saying something in Praise of Mrs. G——ve, who
is, without Dispute, a good Player, tho' exceeding saucy and exceeding
ugly; another said, her Face always put him in mind of Mary-Bone
Park, being desired to explain himself, he said, it was vastly
rude and had not one Bit of Pale about it.

18. A pragmatical young Fellow sitting at Table over-against the learned
John Scot, asked him what difference there was between
Scot and Sot: Just the Breadth of the Table,
answered the other.

19. Another Poet asked Nat Lee if it was not easy to write like a
Madman, as he did: No, answered Nat, but it is easy to
write like a Fool as you do.

20. Colley, who, notwithstanding his Odes, has now and
then said a good Thing, being told one Night by the late Duke of
Wharton, that he expected to see him hang'd or
beggar'd very soon, by G—d, said the Laureat, if I had your
Grace's Politicks and Morals you might expect both.

21. Sir Thomas More, for a long Time had only Daughters, his Wife
earnestly praying that they may have a Boy, at last they had a
Boy, who when he came to Man's Estate, proved but simple; thou
prayedst so long for a Boy, said Sir Thomas to his Wife,
that at last thou hast got one who will be a Boy as long as he
lives.

22. The same Gentleman, when Lord Chancellor being pressed by the
Counsel of the Party, for a longer day to perform a Decree, said,
Take St. Barnaby's Day, the longest in the Year; which
happened to be the next Week.

23. This famous Chancellor, who preserved his Humour and his Wit to the
last Moment, when he came to be executed on Tower-Hill, the
Heads-man demanded his upper Garment as his Fee; ay, Friend, said
he, taking off his Cap, That I think is my Upper-Garment.

24. The Great Algernoon Sidney seemed to shew as little Concern
at his Death, he had indeed got some Friends to intercede with the King
for a Pardon; but when he was told, that his Majesty could not be
prevailed upon to give him his Life, but that in Regard to his ancient
and noble Family, he would remit Part of his Sentence, and only have his
Head cut off; nay, said he, if his Majesty is resolved to have my
Head he may make a Whistle of my A—— if he pleases.

25. Lady C——g and her two Daughters having taken Lodgings at a
Leather-Breeches Maker's in Piccadilly, the Sign of the
Cock and Leather-Breeches, was always put to the Blush
when she was obliged to give any Body Direction to her Lodgings, the
Sign being so odd a one; upon which my Lady, a very good Sort of Woman,
sending for her Landlord, a jolly young Fellow, told him, she liked him
and his Lodgings very well, but she must be obliged to quit them on
Account of his Sign, for she was ashamed to tell any body what it was,
O! dear Madam, said the young Fellow, I would do any Thing rather than
lose so good Lodgers, I can easily alter my Sign; so I think, answered
my Lady, and I'll tell you how you may satisfy both me and my Daughters:
Only take down your Breeches and let your Cock
stand.

26. When Rablais the greatest Drole in France, lay on his
Death-Bed, he could not help jesting at the very last Moment, for having
received the extreme Unction, a Friend coming to see him, said, he hoped
he was prepared for the next World; Yes, yes, reply'd
Rablais, I am ready for my Journey now, they have just greased
my Boots.

27. Henry the IVth, of France, reading an ostentatious
Inscription on the Monument of a Spanish Officer, Here lies
the Body of Don, &c., &c. who never knew what Fear was.
Then said the King, he never snuffed a Candle with his
Fingers.

28. A certain Member of the French Academy, who was no great
Friend to the Abbot Furetiere, one Day took the Seat that was
commonly used by the Abbot, and soon after having Occasion to speak, and
Furetiere being by that Time come in; Here is a Place, said he,
Gentlemen, from when I am likely to utter a thousand Impertinences: Go
on, answered Furetiere, there's one already.

29. When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his great Room, in
York-Buildings, for publick Orations, that very Room, which is
now so worthily occupied by the learned and eximious Mr. Professor
Lacy. He happened at one Time to be pretty much behind Hand with
his Workmen, and coming one Day among them to see how they went forward,
he ordered one of them to get into the Rostrum, and make a
Speech, that he might observe how it could be heard, the Fellow
mounting, and scratching his Pate, told him he knew not what to say, for
in Truth he was no Orator. Oh! said the Knight, no Matter for that,
speak any thing that comes uppermost. Why here, Sir Richard, said
the Fellow, we have been working for you these six Weeks, and cannot get
one Penny of Money, pray, Sir, when do you design to pay us? Very well,
very well, said Sir Richard, pray come down, I have heard enough,
I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, tho' I don't admire your
Subject.

30. A Country Clergyman meeting a Neighbour who never came to Church,
altho' an old Fellow of above Sixty, he gave him some Reproof on that
Account, and asked him if he never read at Home: No, replyed the Clown,
I can't read; I dare say, said the Parson you don't know who made you;
not I, in troth, said the Countryman. A little Boy coming by at the same
Time, who made you, Child, cry'd the Parson, God, Sir, answered
the Boy. Why look you there, quoth the honest Clergyman, are not you
ashamed to hear a Child of five or six Years old tell me who made him,
when you that are so old a Man can not: Ah, said the Countryman, it is
no Wonder that he should remember, he was made but t'other Day, it is a
great while, Master, sin I were made.

31. A certain reverend Drone in the Country was complaining to another,
that it was a great Fatigue to preach twice a Day. Oh! said the other, I
preach twice every Sunday, and make nothing of it.

32. One of the foresaid Gentlemen, as was his Custom, preaching most
exceedingly dull to a Congregation not used to him, many of them slunk
out of the Church one after another, before the Sermon was near ended.
Truly, said a Gentleman present, this learned Doctor has made a very
moving Discourse.

33. Sir William Davenant, the Poet, had no Nose, who going
along the Meuse one Day, a Beggar-Woman followed him, crying, ah! God
preserve your Eye-Sight; Sir, the Lord preserve your
Eye-Sight. Why, good Woman, said he, do you pray so much for my
Eye-Sight? Ah! dear Sir, answered the Woman, if it should please
God that you grow dim-sighted, you have no Place to hang your
Spectacles on.

34. A Welchman bragging of his Family, said, his Father's Effigies was
set up in Westminster-Abbey, being ask'd whereabouts, he said in
the same Monument with Squire Thyne's for he was his Coachman.

35. A Person was saying, not at all to the Purpose, that really
Sampson, was a very strong Man; Ay, said another, but you are
much stronger, for you make nothing of lugging him by the Head and
Shoulders.

36. My Lord Strangford, who stammered very much, was telling a
certain Bishop that sat at his Table, that Balaam's Ass spoke
because he was Pri——est—— Priest-rid, Sir, said a Valet-de-Chambre,
who stood behind his Chair, my Lord would say. No, Friend, reply'd the
Bishop, Balaam could not speak himself, and so his Ass
spoke for him.

37. The same noble Lord ask'd a Clergy-man once, at the Bottom of his
Table, why the Goose, if there was one, was always plac'd next
the Parson. Really, said he, I can give no Reason for it; but
your Question is so odd, that I shall never see a Goose for the
future without thinking of your Lordship.

38. A Gentleman was asking another how that poor Devil S——ge
could live, now my Lord T——l had turn'd him off. Upon his Wits
said the other; That is living upon a slender Stock indeed,
reply'd the First.

39. A Country Parson having divided his Text under two and twenty Heads,
one of the Congregation went out of the Church in a great Hurry, and
being met by a Friend, he ask'd him, whither he was going? Home for
my Night-Cap, answered the first, For I find we are to stay here
all Night.

40. A very modest young Gentleman, of the County of Tiperary,
having attempted many Ways in vain, to acquire the Affections of a Lady
of great Fortune, at last try'd what was to be done, by the Help of
Musick, and therefore entertained her with a Serenade under her Window,
at Midnight, but she ordered her Servants to drive him thence by
throwing Stones at him; Your Musick, my Friend, said one
of his Companions, is as powerful as that of Orpheus, for it
draws the very Stones about you.

41. A certain Senator, who is not, it may be, esteemed the wisest Man in
the House, has a frequent Custom of shaking his Head when another
speaks, which giving Offence to a particular Person, he complained of
the Affront; but one who had been long acquainted with him, assured the
House, it was only an ill Habit he had got, for though he would
oftentimes shake his Head, there was nothing in it.

42. A Gentleman having lent a Guinea, for two or three Days, to a Person
whose Promises he had not much Faith in, was very much surpriz'd to find
he very punctually kept his Word with him; the same Gentleman being
sometime after desirous of borrowing the like Sum, No, said the other,
you have deceived me once, and I am resolved you shan't do it a
second Time.

43. My Lord Chief Justice Holt had sent, by his Warrant, one of the
French Prophets, a foolish Sect, that started up in his Time, to
Prison; upon which Mr. Lacy, one of their Followers, came one Day
to my Lord's House, and desired to speak with him, the Servants told
him, he was not well, and saw no Company that Day, but tell him, said
Lacy, I must see him, for I come to him from the Lord God,
which being told the Chief Justice, he order'd him to come in, and ask'd
him his Business; I come, said he, from the Lord, who sent me to
thee, and would have thee grant a Noli Prosequi for John
Atkins, whom thou hast cast into Prison: Thou art a false Prophet,
answered my Lord, and a lying Knave, for if the Lord had sent thee it
wou'd have been to the Attorney-General, he knows it is not in my
Power to grant a Noli-Prosequi.

44. Tom B—rn—t happening to be at Dinner at my Lord Mayor's, in
the latter Part of the late Queen's Reign, after two or three Healths,
the Ministry was toasted, but when it came to Tom's turn to
drink, he diverted it for some Time by telling a Story to the Person who
sat next him; the chief Magistrate of the City not seeing his Toast go
round, call'd out, Gentlemen, where sticks the Ministry? At
nothing, by G—d, says Tom, and so drank off his Glass.

45. My Lord Craven, in King James the First's Reign, was
very desirous to see Ben Johnson, which being told to Ben,
he went to my Lord's House, but being in a very tatter'd Condition, as
Poets sometimes are, the Porter refus'd him Admittance, with some saucy
Language, which the other did not fail to return: My Lord happening to
come out while they were wrangling, asked the Occasion of it:
Ben, who stood in need of no-body to speak for him, said, he
understood his Lordship desired to see him; you, Friend, said my Lord,
who are you? Ben Johnson, reply'd the other: No, no, quoth my
Lord, you cannot be Ben Johnson who wrote the Silent
Woman, you look as if you could not say Bo to a Goose: Bo,
cry'd Ben, very well, said my Lord, who was better pleas'd at the
Joke, than offended at the Affront, I am now convinced, by your Wit, you
are Ben Johnson.

46. A certain Fop was boasting in Company that he had every Sense
in Perfection; no, by G—d, said one, who was by, there is one you are
entirely without, and that is Common Sense.

47. An Irish Lawyer of the Temple, having occasion to go
to Dinner, left these Directions written, and put in the Key-Hole of his
Chamber-Door, I am gone to the Elephant and Castle,
where you shall find me; and if you can't read this Note,
carry it down to the Stationer's, and he will read it for you.

48. Old Dennis who had been the author of many Plays, going by a
Brandy-Shop, in St. Paul's Church-Yard; the Man who kept
it, came out to him, and desired him to drink a Dram, for what Reason
said he, because you are a Dramatick Poet, answered the other;
well, Sir, said the old Gentleman, you are an out-of-the-way Fellow, and
I will drink a Dram with you; but when he had so done, he asked him to
pay for it, S'death, Sir, said the Bard, did you not ask me to drink a
Dram because I was a Dramatick Poet; yes Sir, reply'd the Fellow,
but I did not think you had been a Dram o'Tick Poet.

49. Daniel Purcel, the famous Punster, and a Friend of his,
having a Desire to drink a Glass of Wine together, upon the 30th of
January, they went to the Salutation Tavern upon
Holbourn-Hill, and finding the Door shut, they knock'd at it, but
it was not opened to 'em, only one of the Drawers look'd through a
little Wicket, and asked what they would please to have, why open your
Door, said Daniel, and draw us a Pint of Wine, the Drawer said,
his Master would not allow of it that Day, it was a Fast; D—mn
your Master, cry'd he, for a precise Coxcomb, is he not contented to
fast himself but he must make his Doors fast too.

50. The same Gentleman calling for some Pipes in a Tavern, complained
they were too short; the Drawer said they had no other, and those
were but just come in: Ay, said Daniel, I see you have not
bought them very long.

51. The same Gentleman as he had the Character of a great Punster, was
desired one Night in Company, by a Gentleman, to make a Pun
extempore, upon what Subject, said Daniel, the King,
answered the other, the King, Sir, said he, is no Subject.

52. G——s E——l who, tho' he is very rich, is remarkable for
his sordid Covetousness, told Cibber one Night, in the Green
Room, that he was going out of Town, and was sorry to part with him,
for faith he loved him, Ah! said Colley, I wish I was a
Shilling for your sake, why so, said the other, because then, cry'd the
Laureat, I should be sure you loved me.

53. Lord C——by coming out of the House of Lords one Day, called
out, where's my Fellow! Not in England, by G—d, said a
Gentleman, who stood by.

54. A Beggar asking Alms under the Name of a poor Scholar, a Gentleman
to whom he apply'd himself, ask'd him a Question in Latin, the
Fellow, shaking his Head, said he did not understand him: Why, said the
Gentleman, did you not say you were a poor Scholar? Yes,
reply'd the other, a poor one indeed, Sir, for I don't understand one
Word of Latin.

55. Several Years ago when Mrs. Rogers the Player, was young and
handsome, Lord North, and Grey, remarkable for his homely
Face, accosting her one Night behind the Scenes, ask'd her with a Sigh,
what was a Cure for Love? Your Lordship, said she, the
best I know in the World.

56. Colonel ——, who made the fine Fire-Works Works in St. James's
Square, upon the Peace of Reswick, being in Company with some
Ladies, was highly commending the Epitaph just then set up in the Abbey
on Mr. Purcel's Monument,

Lord, Colonel, said one of the Ladies, the same Epitaph might serve for
you, by altering one Word only:

57. Poor Joe Miller happening one Day to be caught by some of
his Friends in a familiar Posture with a Cook Wench, almost as ugly as
Kate Cl—ve, was very much rallied by them for the Oddness of
his Fancy. Why look ye, said he, Gentleman, altho' I am not a very
young Fellow, I have a good Constitution, and am not, I thank Heaven,
reduced yet to Beauty or Brandy to whet my Appetite.

58. Lady N——, who had but a very homely Face, but was
extremely well shaped, and always near about the Legs and Feet, was
tripping one Morning over the Park in a Mask; and a Gentleman
followed her for a long while making strong Love to her, he called her
his Life, his Soul, his Angel, and begged with
abundance of Earnestness, to have a Glimpse of her Face; at last when
she came on the other Side of the Bird-Cage Walk, to the House she was
going into, she turned about and pulling off her Mask: Well, Sir, said
she, what is it you would have with me? The Man at first Sight of her
Face, drew back, and lifting up his Hands, O! Nothing! Madam,
Nothing, cry'd he; I cannot say, said my Lady, but I like your
Sincerity, tho' I hate your Manners.

60. Sir B—ch—r W——y, in the Beginning of Queen Anne's
Reign, and three or four more drunken Tories, reeling home from the
Fountain-Tavern in the Strand, on a Sunday
Morning, cry'd out, we are the pillars of the Church, no, by G—d, said
a Whig, that happened to be in their Company, you can be but the
Buttresses, for you never come on the Inside of it.

61. After the Fire of London, there was an Act of Parliament to
regulate the Buildings of the City, every House was to be three
Stories high, and there were to be no Balconies backwards: A
Gloucestershire Gentleman, a Man of great Wit and Humour, just
after this Act passed, going along the Street, and seeing a little
crooked Gentlewoman, on the other Side of the Way, he runs over to her
in great haste, Lord, Madam, said he, how dare you to walk the Streets
thus publickly? Walk the Streets! why not! answered the little Woman.
Because said he, you are built directly contrary to Act of Parliament,
you are but two Stories high, and your Balcony hangs over your
House-of-Office.

62. One Mr. Topham was so very tall, that if he was living now,
he might be shewn at Yeate's Theatre for a Sight, this Gentleman
going one Day to enquire for a Countryman a little Way out of Town,
when he came to the House, he looked in at a little Window over the
Door, and ask'd the Woman, who sat by the Fire, if her Husband was at
Home. No, Sir, said she, but if you please to alight and come
in, I'll go and call him.

63. The same Gentleman walking across Covent-Garden, was asked
by a Beggar-Woman, for an Half-penny or Farthing, but finding he would
not part with his Money, she begg'd for Christ's-Sake, he would give
her one of his old Shoes; he was very desirous to know what she
could do with one Shoe, to make my Child a Cradle, Sir, said
she.

64. King Charles II. having ordered a Suit of Cloaths to be
made, just at the Time when Addresses were coming up to him, from all
Parts of the Kingdom, Tom Killigrew went to the Taylor, and
ordered him to make a very large Pocket on one Side of the Coat, and
one so small on the other, that the King could hardly get his Hand into
it, which seeming very odd, when they were brought home, he ask'd the
Meaning of it, the Taylor said, Mr. Killigrew order'd it so;
Kelligrew being sent for, and interrogated, said, one Pocket was
for the Addresses of his Majesty's Subjects, the other for the
Money they would give him.

65. My Lord B——e, had married three Wives that were all his
Servants, a Beggar-Woman, meeting him one Day in the Street, made him a
very low Curtesy, Ah, God Almighty bless your Lordship, said she, and
send you a long Life, if you do but live long enough, we shall be all
Ladies in Time.

66. Dr. Tadloe, who was a very fat Man, happening to go thump,
thump, with his great Legs, thro' a Street, in Oxford, where
some Paviers had been at Work, in the Midst of July, the Fellows
immediately laid down their Rammers, Ah! God bless you, Master, cries
one of 'em, it was very kind of you to come this Way, it saves us a
great deal of Trouble this hot Weather.

67. An Arch-Wagg of St. John's College, asked another of the
same College, who was a great Sloven, why he would not read a
certain Author called Go-Clenius.

68. Swan, the famous Punster of Cambridge, being a
Nonjuror, upon which Account he had lost his Fellowship, as he was
going along the Strand, in the Beginning of King
William's Reign, on a very rainy Day, a Hackney-Coachman called
to him, Sir, won't you please to take Coach, it rains hard: Ay,
Friend, said he, but this is no Reign for me to take Coach in.

69. When Oliver first coined his Money, an old Cavalier looking
upon one of the new Pieces, read the Inscriptions, on one Side was
God with us, on the other, The Commonwealth of England; I
see, said he, God and the Commonwealth are on different
Sides.

70. Colonel Bond who had been one of King Charles the
First's Judges, dy'd a Day or two before Oliver, and it was
strongly reported every where that Cromwell was dead; No, said a
Gentleman, who knew better, he has only given Bond to the Devil
for his farther Appearance.

71. Mr. Serjeant G—d—r, being lame of one Leg; and
pleading before Judge For—e, who has little or no Nose,
the Judge told him he was afraid he had but a lame Cause of it:
Oh! my Lord, said the Serjeant, have but a little Patience, and I'll
warrant I prove every Thing as plain as the Nose on your Face.

72. A Gentleman eating some Mutton that was very tough, said, it put
him in Mind of an old English Poet: Being asked who that was;
Chau—cer, replied he.

73. A certain Roman-Catholick Lord, having renounced the
Popish Religion, was asked not long after, by a Protestant Peer,
Whether the Ministers of the State, or Ministers of the
Gospel had the greatest Share in his Conversion: To whom he
reply'd, that when he renounced Popery he had also renounced
auricular Confession.

74. Michael Angelo, in his Picture of the last Judgment, in the
Pope's Chappel, painted among the Figures in Hell, that of a
certain Cardinal, who was his Enemy, so like, that everybody
knew it at first Sight: Whereupon the Cardinal complaining to Pope
Clement the Seventh, of the Affront, and desiring it might be
defaced: You know very well, said the Pope, I have Power to deliver a
Soul out of Purgatory but not out of Hell.

75. A Gentleman being at Dinner at a Friend's House, the first Thing
that came upon the Table was a Dish of Whitings, and one being put upon
his Plate, he found it stink so much that he could not eat a Bit of it,
but he laid his Mouth down to the Fish, as if he was whispering with
it, and then took up the Plate and put it to his own Ear; the
Gentleman, at whose Table he was, enquiring into the meaning, he told
him he had a Brother lost at Sea, about a Fortnight ago, and he
was asking that Fish if he knew any thing of him; and what Answer made
he, said the Gentleman, he told me, said he, he could give no Account
of him, for he had not been at Sea these three Weeks.

I would not have any of my Readers apply this Story, as an unfortunate
Gentleman did, who had heard it, and was the next Day whispering a Rump
of Beef at a Friend's House.

76. An English Gentleman happening to be in
Brecknockshire, he used sometimes to divert himself with
shooting, but being suspected not to be qualified by one of the little
Welch Justices, his Worship told him, that unless he could
produce his Qualification, he should not allow him to shoot there, and
he had two little Manors; yes, Sir, said the Englishman,
every Body may perceive that, perceive what, cry'd the Welchman?
That you have too little Manners, said the other.

77. The Chaplain's Boy of a Man of War, being sent out of his own Ship
of an Errand to another; the two Boys were conferring Notes about their
Manner of living; how often, said one, do you go to Prayers now,
why, answered the other, in Case of a Storm, or any Danger; ay,
said the first, there's some Sense in that, but my Master makes us
pray when there is no more Occasion for it, than for my leaping
over-board.

78. Not much unlike this Story, is one a Midshipman told one Night, in
Company with Joe Miller and myself, who said, that being once in
great Danger at Sea, every body was observed to be upon their Knees,
but one Man, who being called upon to come with the rest of the Hands
to Prayers, not I, said he, it is your Business to take Care of
the Ship I am but a Passenger.

79. Three or four roguish Scholars walking out one Day from the
University of Oxford, spied a poor Fellow near Abingdon,
asleep in a Ditch, with an Ass by him, loaded with Earthen-Ware,
holding the Bridle in his Hand, says one of the Scholars to the rest,
if you'll assist me, I'll help you to a little Money, for you know we
are bare at present; no doubt of it they were not long consenting; why
then, said he, we'll go and sell this old Fellow's Ass at
Abingdon, for you know the Fair is To-morrow, and we shall meet
with Chapmen enough; therefore do you take the Panniers off, and put
them upon my Back, and the Bridle over my Head, and then lead you the
Ass to Market, and let me alone with the Old Man. This being done
accordingly, in a little Time after the poor Man awaking, was strangely
surprized to see his Ass thus metamorphosed; Oh! for God's-sake, said
the Scholar, take this Bridle out of my Mouth, and this Load from my
Back. Zoons, how came you here, reply'd the old Man, why, said he, my
Father, who is a great Necromancer, upon an idle Thing I did to
disoblige him, transformed me into an Ass, but now his Heart has
relented, and I am come to my own Shape again, I beg you will let me go
Home and thank him; by all Means, said the Crockrey Merchant, I don't
desire to have any Thing to do with Conjuration, and so set the Scholar
at Liberty, who went directly to his Comrades, that by this Time were
making merry with the Money they had sold the Ass for: But the old
Fellow was forced to go the next Day, to seek for a new one in the
Fair, and after having look'd on several, his own was shewn him
for a very good one, O, Ho! said he, what have he and his Father
quarrelled again already? No, no, I'll have nothing to say to him.

80. Mr. Congreve going up the Water, in a Boat, one of the
Watermen told him, as they passed by Peterborough House, that
that House had sunk a Story; no, Friend, said he, I rather
believe it is a Story raised.

81. The foresaid House, which is the very last in London one
Way, being rebuilt, a Gentleman asked another, who lived in it? his
Friend told him Sir Robert Grosvenor; I don't know, said the
first, what Estate Sir Robert has, but he ought to have a very
good one, for no body lives beyond him in the whole Town.

82. Two Gentlemen disputing about Religion, in Button's
Coffee-House, said one of them, I wonder, Sir, you should talk of
Religion, when I'll hold you five Guineas you can't say the Lord's
Prayer, done, said the other, and Sir Richard Steele shall
hold Stakes. The Money being deposited, the Gentleman began with, I
believe in God, and so went cleverly thro' the Creed; well,
said the other, I own I have lost; I did not think he could have
done it.

83. A certain Author was telling Dr. Sewel, that a Passage he
found fault with in his Poem, might be justify'd, and that he thought
it a Metaphor; it is such a one, said the Doctor, as truly I
never Met-a-fore.

84. A certain Lady at Whitehall, of great Quality but very
little Modesty, having sent for a Linnen Draper to bring her some
Hollands, as soon as the young Fellow enter'd the Room, O! Sir,
said she, I find you're a Man fit for Business, for you no sooner look
a Lady in the Face, but you've your Yard in one Hand, and are
lifting up the Linnen with the other.

85. A Country Farmer going cross his Grounds in the Dusk of the
Evening, spy'd a young Fellow and a Lass, very busy near a five Bar
Gate, in one of his Fields, and calling to them to know what they were
about, said the young Man, no Harm, Farmer, we are only going to
Prop-a-Gate.

86. King Henry VIII. designing to send a Nobleman on an
Embassy to Francis I. at a very dangerous Juncture, he begg'd to
be excused, saying such a threatening Message, to so hot a Prince as
Francis I. might go near to cost him his Life. Fear not, said
old Harry, if the French King should offer to take away
your Life, I would revenge you by taking off the Heads of many
Frenchmen now in my Power: But of all those Heads,
reply'd the Nobleman, there may not be one to fit my Shoulders.

87. A Parson preaching a tiresome Sermon on Happiness or
Bliss; when he had done, a Gentleman told him, he had forgot one
Sort of Happiness: Happy are they that did not hear your Sermon.

88. A Country-Fellow who was just come to London, gaping about
in every Shop he came to, at last looked into a Scrivener's, where
seeing only one Man sitting at a Desk, he could not imagine what
Commodity was sold there, but calling to the Clerk, pray, Sir, said he,
what do you sell here? Loggerheads, cry'd the other, do
you, answer'd the Countryman, Egad then you've a special Trade,
for I see you have but one left.

89. Manners, who was himself but lately made Earl of
Rutland, told Sir Thomas Moor, he was too much elated by
his Preferment, that he verify'd the old Proverb,

Honores mutant Mores.

No, my Lord, said Sir Thomas, the Pun will do much better
in English:

Honours change Manners.

90. A Nobleman having chose a very illiterate Person for his Library
Keeper, one said it was like a Seraglio kept by an Eunuch.

91. A Mayor of Yarmouth, in ancient Times, being by his Office a
Justice of the Peace, and one who was willing to dispense the Laws
wisely, tho' he could hardly read, got him the Statute-Book, where
finding a Law against firing a Beacon, or causing any
Beacon to be fired, after nine of the Clock at Night, the poor
Man read it frying of Bacon, or causing any Bacon to be fryed;
and accordingly went out the next Night upon the Scent, and
being directed by his Nose, to the Carrier's House, he found the
Man and his Wife both frying of Bacon, the Husband holding the
Pan while the Wife turned it: Being thus caught in the Fact, and having
nothing to say for themselves, his Worship committed them both to Jail,
without Bail or Mainprize.

92. The late facetious Mr. Spiller, being at the Rehearsal, on a
Saturday Morning, the Time when the Actors are usually paid, was
asking another, whether Mr. Wood, the Treasurer of the House,
had any Thing to say to them that Morning; no, faith, Jemmy,
reply'd the other, I'm afraid there's no Cole, which is a cant Word for
Money; by G—d, said Spiller, if there is no Cole we must
burn Wood.

93. A witty Knave coming into a Lace-Shop upon Ludgate-Hill,
said, he had Occasion for a small Quantity of very fine Lace, and
having pitched upon that he liked, asked the Woman of the Shop, how
much she would have, for as much as would reach from one of his Ears to
the other, and measure which Way she pleased, either over his Head or
under his Chin; after some Words, they agreed, and he paid the Money
down, and began to measure, saying, One of my Ears is here, and the
other is nailed to the Pillory in Bristol, therefore, I fear you
have not enough to make good your Bargain; however, I will take this
Piece in part, and desire you will provide the rest with all
Expedition.

94. When Sir Cloudsly Shovel set out on his last Expedition,
there was a Form of Prayer, composed by the Archbishop of
Canterbury, for the Success of the Fleet, in which his Grace
made Use of this unlucky Expression, that he begged God would be a
Rock of Defence to the Fleet, which occasioned the following
Lines to be made upon the Monument, set up for him, in
Westminster-Abbey, he being cast away in that Expedition, on the
Rocks call'd, the Bishop and his Clerks.

95. A French Marquis being once at Dinner at Roger
Williams's, the famous Punster and Publican, and boasting of the
happy Genius of his Nation, in projecting all the fine Modes and
Fashions, particularly the Ruffle, which he said, was de fine
Ornament to de Hand, and had been followed by all de oder Nations:
Roger, allowed what he said, but observed, at the same Time,
that the English, according to Custom, had made a great Improvement
upon their Invention, by adding the Shirt to it.

96. A poor dirty Shoe-Boy going into a Church, one Sunday
Evening, and seeing the Parish-Boys standing in a Row, upon a Bench to
be catechized, he gets up himself, and stands in the very first Place,
so the Parson of Course beginning with him, asked him, What is your
Name? Rugged and Tough, answered he, who gave you
that Name? says Domine: Why the Boys in our Alley, reply'd
poor Rugged and Tough, Lord d—mn them.

97. A Prince laughing at one of his Courtiers whom he had employed in
several Embassies, told him, he looked like an Owl. I know not,
answered the Courtier, what I look like; but this I know, that I have
had the Honour several Times to represent your Majesty's Person.

98. A Venetian Ambassador going to the Court of Rome,
passed through Florence, where he went to pay his Respects to
the late Duke of Tuscany. The Duke complaining to him of the
Ambassador the State of Venice had sent him, as a Man unworthy
of his Publick Character; Your Highness, said he, must not
wonder at it, for we have many Idle Pates, at Venice. So have
we, reply'd the Duke, in Florence; but we don't send them to
treat of Publick Affairs.

99. A Lady's Age happening to be questioned, she affirmed, she was but
Forty, and call'd upon a Gentleman that was in Company for his
Opinion; Cousin, said she, do you believe I am in the Right, when I say
I am but Forty? I ought not to dispute it, Madam, reply'd he,
for I have heard you say so these ten Years.

100. It being proved in a Trial at Guild-Hall, that a Man's Name
was really Inch, who pretended that it was Linch, I see,
said the Judge, the old Proverb is verified in this Man, who being
allowed an Inch took an L.

101. A certain Person came to a Cardinal in Rome, and told him
that he had brought his Eminence a dainty white Palfrey, but he
fell lame by the Way; saith the Cardinal to him, I'll tell thee what
thou shalt do, go to such a Cardinal, and such a one, naming half a
Dozen, and tell them the same, and so as thy Horse, if it had been
sound, could have pleas'd but one, with this lame
Horse thou shalt please half a Dozen.

102. A prodigal Gallant (whose penurious Mother being lately dead, had
left him a plentiful Estate) one Day being on his Frolicks, quarrell'd
with his Coachman, and said, you damn'd Son of a Whore, I'll kick you
into Hell; to which the Coachman answer'd, if you kick me into Hell,
I'll tell your Mother how extravagantly you spend your Estate here upon
Earth.

103. The Emperor Augustus, being shewn a young Grecian,
who very much resembled him, asked the young Man if his Mother
had not been at Rome: No, Sir, answer'd the Grecian but
my Father has.

104. Cato the Censor being ask'd, how it came to pass, that he
had no Statue erected for him, who had so well deserved of the
Common-Wealth? I had rather, said he, have this Question asked, than
why I had one.

105. A Lady coming into a Room hastily, with her Mantua, brush'd
down a Cremona Fiddle, that lay on a Chair, and broke it, upon
which a Gentleman that was present burst into this Exclamation from
Virgil:

106. A devout Gentleman, being very earnest in his Prayers, in the
Church, it happened that a Pick-Pocket being near him, stole away his
Watch, who having ended his Prayers, mist it, and complained to
his Friend, that his Watch was lost, while he was at Prayers; to
which his friend reply'd, Had you watch'd as well as pray'd, your
Watch had been secure, adding these following Lines.

107. George Ch——n, who was always accounted a very blunt
Speaker, asking a young Lady one Day, what it was o'Clock, and she
telling him her Watch stood, I don't wonder at that, Madam, said
he, when it is so near your ——.

108. A modest Gentlewoman being compelled by her Mother to accuse her
Husband of Defect, and being in the Court, she humbly desired of the
Judge, that she might write her Mind, and not be obliged to speak it,
for Modesty's sake; the Judge gave her that Liberty, and a Clerk was
immediately commanded to give her Pen, Ink, and Paper, whereupon she
took the Pen without dipping it into the Ink, and made as if she would
write; says the Clerk to her, Madam, there is no Ink in your Pen.
Truly, Sir, says she, that's just my Case, and therefore I
need not explain myself any further.

109. A Lieutenant Colonel to one of the Irish Regiments, in the
French Service, being dispatched by the Duke of Berwick,
from Fort Kehl, to the King of France, with a Complaint,
relating to some Irregularities, that had happened in the Regiment; his
Majesty, with some Emotion of Mind, told him, That the
Irish Troops gave him more Uneasiness than all his Forces
besides. Sir, (says the Officer) all your Majesty's
Enemies make the same Complaint.

110. Mr. G——n, the Surgeon being sent for to a Gentleman, who
had just received a slight Wound in a Rencounter, gave Orders to his
Servant to go Home with all haste imaginable, and fetch a certain
Plaister; the Patient turning a little Pale, Lord, Sir, said he, I
hope there is no Danger. Yes, indeed is there, answered the
Surgeon, for if the Fellow don't set up a good pair of Heels, the
Wound will heal before he returns.

111. Not many Years ago, a certain Temporal Peer, having in a most
pathetick and elaborate Speech, exposed the Vices and Irregularities of
the Clergy, and vindicated the Gentlemen of the Army from some
Imputations unjustly laid upon them: A Prelate, irritated at the
Nature, as well as the Length of the Speech, desired to know when
the Noble Lord would leave off preaching. The other answer'd,
The very Day he was made a Bishop.

112. It chanc'd that a Merchant Ship was so violently tossed in a Storm
at Sea that all despairing of Safety, betook themselves to Prayer,
saving one Mariner, who was ever wishing to see two Stars: Oh!
said he, that I could but see two Stars, or but one of the Two, and of
these Words he made so frequent Repetition, that, disturbing the
Meditations of the rest, at length one asked him, what two Stars, or
what one Star he meant? To whom he reply'd, O! that I could but see
the Star in Cheapside, or the Star in Coleman-street, I care not
which.

113. A Country Fellow subpœena'd for a Witness upon a Trial on an
Action of Defamation, he being sworn, the Judge had him repeat the very
same Words he had heard spoken; the Fellow was loath to speak, but
humm'd and haw'd for a good Space, but being urged by the Judge, he at
last spoke, My Lord, said he, You are a Cuckold: The
Judge seeing the People begin to laugh, called to him, and had him
speak to the Jury, there were twelve of them.

114. A Courtier, who was a Confident of the Amours of Henry IV.
of France, obtained a Grant from the King, for the Dispatch
whereof he applyed himself to the Lord High Chancellor: Who finding
some Obstacle in it, the Courtier still insisted upon it, and would not
allow of any Impediment, Que chacun se mêle de son Metier, said
the Chancellor to him; that is, Let every one meddle with his own
Business. The Courtier imagining he reflected upon him for his
pimping; my Employment, said he, is such, that, if the King
were twenty Years younger I would not exchange it for three of
your's.

115. A Gentlewoman, who thought her Servants always cheated her, when
they went to Billingsgate to buy Fish, was resolved to go
thither one Day herself, and asking the Price of some Fish, which she
thought too dear, she bid the Fish-Wife about half what she asked;
Lord, Madam, said the Woman, I must have stole it to sell it at that
Price, but you shall have it if you will tell me what you do to make
your Hands look so white; Nothing, good Woman, answered the
Gentlewoman, but wear Dog-Skin Gloves: D—mn you for a lying
Bitch, reply'd the other, my Husband has wore Dog-Skin Breeches
these ten Years, and his A—se is as brown as a Nutmeg.

116. Dr. Heylin, a noted Author, especially for his
Cosmography, happened to lose his Way going to Oxford, in
the Forest of Whichwood: Being then attended by one of his
Brother's Men, the Man earnestly intreated him to lead the Way; but the
Doctor telling him he did not know it: How! said the Fellow,
that's very strange that you, who have made a Book of the whole
World, cannot find the Way out of this little Wood.

117. Monsieur Vaugelas having obtained a Pension from the
French King, by the Interest of Cardinal Richelieu, the
Cardinal told him, he hoped he would not forget the Word Pension
in his Dictionary. No, my Lord, said Vaugelas, nor the Word
Gratitude.

118. A melting Sermon being preached in a Country Church, all fell a
weeping but one Man, who being asked, why he did not weep with the
rest? O! said he, I belong to another Parish.

119. A Gentlewoman growing big with Child, who had two Gallants, one of
them with a wooden Leg, the Question was put, which of the two should
father the Child. He who had the wooden Leg offer'd to decide it thus.
If the Child, said he, comes into the World with a wooden
Leg, I will father it, if not, it must be your's.

120. A Gentleman who had been out a shooting brought home a small Bird
with him, and having an Irish Servant, he ask'd him, if he had
shot that little Bird, yes, he told him; Arrah! by my Shoul, Honey,
reply'd the Irish Man, it was not worth Powder and Shot, for
this little Thing would have died in the Fall.

121. The same Irishman being at a Tavern where the Cook was
dressing some Carp, he observed that some of the Fish moved after they
were gutted and put in the Pan, which very much surprizing Teague,
well, now, faith, said he, of all the Christian Creatures that ever
I saw, this same Carp will live the longest after it is dead.

122. A Gentleman happening to turn up against an House to make Water,
did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him,
'till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what
made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, a very little
Thing will make us laugh.

123. A Gentleman hearing a Parson preach upon the Story of the Children
being devoured by the two She Bears, who reviled the old Man,
and not much liking his Sermon; some Time after seeing the same Parson
come into the Pulpit to preach at another Church: O ho! said he,
What are you here with your Bears again.

124. A young Fellow riding down a steep Hill, and doubting that the
Foot of it was boggish, call'd out to a Clown that was ditching, and
ask'd him, if it was hard at the Bottom: Ay, ay, answered the
Countryman, it's hard enough at the Bottom I'll warrant you: But in
half a Dozen Steps the Horse sunk up to the Saddle Skirts, which made
the young Gallant whip, spur, curse and swear, why thou Whoreson
Rascal, said he, to the Ditcher, did'st thou not tell me it was hard at
Bottom? Ay, reply'd the other, but you are not half Way to
the Bottom yet.

125. It was said of one who remembered every Thing that he lent, but
quite forgot what he borrowed, That he had lost half his Memory.

126. One speaking of Titus Oats, said, he was a Villain in
Grain, and deserved to be well threshed.

127. It was said of Henry, Duke of Guise, that he was the
greatest Usurer in all France, for he had turned all his Estate
into Obligations, meaning, he had sold and mortgaged his
Patrimony, to make Presents to other Men.

128. An Englishman and a Welchman disputing in whose
Country was the best Living, said the Welchman, there is such
noble Housekeeping in Wales, that I have known above a Dozen
Cooks employ'd at one Wedding Dinner; Ay, answered the
Englishman, that was because every Man toasted his own
Cheese.

129. The late Sir Godfrey Kneller, had always a very great
Contempt, I will not pretend to say how justly, for J——s the
Painter, and being one Day about twenty Miles from London, one
of his Servants told him at Dinner, that there was Mr. J——s
come that Day into the same Town with a Coach and four: Ay, said Sir
Godfrey, but if his Horses draw no better than himself,
they'll never carry him to Town again.

130. Some Women speaking of the Pains of Childbirth, for my Part, said
one of them, it is less Trouble to me, than to swallow a Poach'd Egg:
Then sure, Madam, answer'd another, your Throat is very narrow.

131. A Gentleman asked Nanny Rochford, why the Whigs, in their
Mourning for Queen Anne, all wore Silk Stockings: Because, said
she, the Tories were worsted.

132. A Counsellor pleading at the Bar with Spectacles on, who was blind
with one Eye, said, he would produce nothing but what was ad
Rem, then said one of the adverse Party, You must take out one
Glass of your Spectacles, which I am sure is of no Use.

133. The famous Tom Thynn, who was remarkable for his good
Housekeeping and Hospitality, standing one Day at his Gate in the
Country, a Beggar coming up to him, cry'd, he begg'd his Worship would
give him a Mugg of his Small Beer: Why how now, said he, what
Times are these! when Beggars must be Choosers. I say, bring
this Fellow a Mugg of Strong Beer.

134. It was said of a Person, who always eat at other Peoples
Tables, and was a great Railer, that he never opened his
Mouth but to some Body's Cost.

135. Pope Sixtus Quintus, who was a poor Man's Son, and his
Father's House ill thatched, so that the Sun came in at many Places of
it, would himself make a Jest of his Birth, and say, that he
was, Nato di Casa illustre, Son of an illustrious House.

136. Diogenes begging, as was the Custom among many
Philosophers, asked a prodigal Man for more than any one else:
Whereupon one said to him, I see your Business, that when you find a
liberal Mind, you will take most of him: No, said
Diogenes, but I mean to beg of the rest again.

137. Dr. Sewel, and two or three Gentlemen, walking towards
Hampstead on a Summer's Day, were met by the famous Daniel
Purcel, who was very importunate with them to know upon what
Account they were going there; the Doctor merrily answering him, to
make Hay; Very well, reply'd the other, you'll be there at a very
convenient Season, the Country wants Rakes.

138. A Gentleman speaking of his Servant, said, I believe I command
more than any Man, for before my Servant will obey me in one Thing, I
must command him ten Times over.

139. A poor Fellow that was carrying to Execution had a Reprieve just
as he came to the Gallows, and was carried back by a Sheriff's Officer,
who told him, he was a happy Fellow, and asked him, if he knew nothing
of the Reprieve before-hand; no, reply'd the Fellow, nor thought any
more of it, than I did of my Dying Day.

140. A Spanish Lady reading, in a French Romance, a long
Conversation betwixt two Lovers; What a deal of Wit, said she,
is here thrown away, when two Lovers are got together, and no Body
by?

141. A Countryman admiring the stately Fabrick of St. Paul's,
ask'd, whether it was made in England, or brought from beyond
Sea?

142. Fabricus the Roman Consul, shew'd a great Nobleness
of Mind, when the Physician of King Pyrrhus made him a Proposal
to poison his Master, by sending the Physician back to Pyrrhus,
with these Words; Learn, O King! to make a better Choice of thy
Friends and of thy Foes.

143. A Lady, who had generally a pretty many Intrigues upon her Hands,
not liking her Brother's extravagant Passion for Play, asked him, when
he designed to leave off Gaming; when you cease Loving,
said he; then reply'd the Lady, you are like to continue a Gamester
as long as you live.

144. A Soldier was bragging before Julius Cæsar, of the Wounds
he had received in his Face; Cæsar, knowing him to be a Coward,
told him, he had best take heed, the next Time he ran away, how he
look'd back.

145. The Trojans sending Ambassadors to condole with
Tiberius upon the Death of his Father-in-Law Augustus, it
was so long after, that the Emperor hardly thought it a Compliment, but
told them he was likewise sorry that they had lost so valiant a
Knight as Hector, who was slain above a thousand Years before.

146. Cato Major used to say, That wise Men learned more
from Fools, than Fools from wise Men.

147. A Braggadochio chancing, upon an Occasion, to run away full
Speed, was asked by one, what was become of that Courage he used so
much to talk of, it is got, said he, all into my Heels.

148. Somebody asked my Lord Bacon what he thought of
Poets, why, said he, I think them the very best Writers next to
those who write in Prose.

149. A Profligate young Nobleman, being in Company with some sober
People, desired leave to toast the Devil; the Gentleman who sat
next him, said, he had no Objection to any of his Lordship's Friends.

150. A Scotsman was very angry with an English Gentleman,
who, he said, had abused him, and called him false Scot; Indeed,
said the Englishman, I said no such Thing, but that you were a
true Scot.

151. The late Commissary-General G—ley, who once kept a Glass
Shop, having General P—c—k's Regiment under a Muster, made
great Complaints of the Men's Appearance, &c. and said, that the
Regiment ought to be broke: Then, Sir, said the Colonel, perhaps
you think a Regiment is as soon broke as a Looking-Glass.

152. C——ll, the Bookseller, being under Examination, at the
Bar of the House of Lords, for publishing the Posthumous Works of the
late Duke of Buckingham, without Leave of the Family, told their
Lordships in his Defence, That if the Duke was living, he was
sure he would readily pardon the Offence.

153. A Gentleman said of a young Wench, who constantly ply'd about the
Temple, that if she had as much Law in her Head, as she
had had in her Tail, she would be one of the ablest
Counsel in England.

154. J—ck K——s, the Painter, having finish'd a very good
Picture of Figg the Prize-Fighter, who had been famous for
getting the better of several Irishmen of the same Profession,
the Piece was shewn to old J——n, the Player, who was told at
the same Time, that Mr. E——s designed to have a Mezzo-tinto
Print taken from it, but wanted a Motto to be put under it: Then said
old J——n, I'll give you one: A Figg for the Irish.

155. Some Gentlemen going into a noted Bawdy-House Tavern at
Charing-Cross, found great Fault with the Wine, and sending for
the Master of the House, told him, it was sad Stuff, and very
weak: It may be so, said he, for my Trade don't depend upon the
Strength of my Wine, but on that of my Tables and Chairs.

156. A Gentleman coming to an Inn in Smithfield, and seeing the
Hostler expert and tractable about the Horses, asked, how long he
had lived there? And What Countryman he was? I'se
Yerkshire, said the Fellow, an ha' lived Sixteen Years
here. I wonder reply'd the Gentleman, that in so long a Time, so
clever a Fellow as you seem to be, have not come to be Master of the
Inn yourself. Ay, said the Hostler, But Maister's Yerkshire too.

157. The late Colonel Chartres, reflecting on his ill Life and
Character, told a certain Nobleman, that if such a Thing as a good Name
was to be purchased, he would freely give 10,000 Pounds for one; the
Nobleman said, it would certainly be the worst Money he ever laid
out in his Life. Why so, said the honest Colonel, because,
answered my Lord, you would forfeit it again in less than a
Week.

158. A seedy [poor] half-pay Captain, who was much given to blabbling
every thing he heard, was told, there was but one Secret in the World
he could keep, and that was where he lodged.

159. Jack M——n, going one Day into the Apartments at St.
James's, found a Lady of his Acquaintance sitting in one of the
Windows, who very courteously asked him, to sit down by her, telling
him there was a Place, No, Madam, said he, I don't come to
Court for a Place.

If the gentle Reader should have a Desire to repeat this Story let him
not make the same Blunder that a certain English-Irish foolish
Lord did, who made the Lady ask Jack to sit down by her, telling
him there was room.

160. A certain Lady of Quality sending her Irish Footman to
fetch Home a Pair of new Stays, strictly charged him to take a Coach if
it rained for fear of wetting them: But a great Shower of Rain falling,
the Fellow returned with the Stays dropping wet, and being severely
reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered, he said, he had obey'd his
Orders; how then, answered the Lady, could the Stays be wet, if you
took them into the Coach with you? No, replyed honest Teague,
I knew my Place better, I did not go into the Coach, but rode
behind as I always used to do.

161. Tom Warner, the late Publisher of News Papers and
Pamphlets, being very near his End, a Gentlewoman in the Neighbourhood
sending her Maid to enquire how he did, he had the girl tell her
Mistress, that he hoped he was going to the New-Jerusalem;
Ah, dear Sir, said she, I dare say the Air of Islington
would do you more good.

162. A Person said the Scotch were certainly the best trained up
for Soldiers of any People in the World, for they began to handle
their Arms almost as soon as they were born.

163. A Woman once prosecuted a Gentleman for a Rape: Upon the trial,
the Judge asked if she made any Resistance, I cry'd out, an please
you my Lord, said she: Ay, said one of the Witnesses, but
that was Nine Months after.

164. A young Lady who had been married but a short Time, seeing her
Husband going to rise pretty early in the Morning, said, What, my
Dear, are you getting up already? Pray, lie a little longer and
rest yourself. No, my Dear, reply'd the Husband, I'll get up
and rest myself.

165. The Deputies of Rochel, attending to speak with
Henry the Fourth of France, met with a Physician who had
renounced the Protestant Religion, and embrac'd the Popish Communion,
whom they began to revile most grievously. The King hearing of it, told
the Deputies, he advis'd them to change their Religion, for it is a
dangerous Symptom, says he, that your religion is not
long-liv'd, when a Physician has given it over.

166. Two Oxford Scholars meeting on the Road with a
Yorkshire Ostler, they fell to bantering the Fellow, and told
him, they could prove him a Horse, an Ass, and I know not what; and I,
said the Ostler, can prove your Saddle to be me a Mule: A
Mule! cried one of them, how can that be? because, said the
Ostler, it is something between a Horse and an Ass.

167. A Frenchman travelling between Dover and
London, came into an Inn to lodge, where the Host perceiving him
a close-fisted Cur, having called for nothing but a Pint of Beer and a
Pennyworth of Bread to eat with a Sallad he had gathered by the Way,
resolved to fit him for it, therefore seemingly paid him an
extraordinary Respect, laid him a clean Cloth for Supper, and
complimented him with the best Bed in the House. In the Morning he set
a good Sallad before him, with Cold Meat, Butter, &c., which
provok'd the Monsieur to the Generosity of calling for half a Pint of
Wine; then coming to pay, the Host gave him a Bill, which, for the best
Bed, Wine, Sallad, and other Appurtenances, he had enhanc'd to the
Value of twenty Shillings. Jernie, says the Frenchman,
Twenty Shillings! Vat you mean? But all his sputtering was in
vain; for the Host with a great deal of Tavern-Elocution, made him
sensible that nothing could be 'bated. The Monsieur therefore seeing no
Remedy but Patience, seem'd to pay it chearfully. After which he told
the Host, that his House being extremely troubled with Rats, he could
give him a Receipt to drive 'em away, so as they should never return
again. The Host being very desirous to be rid of those troublesome
Guests, who were every Day doing him one Mischief or other, at length
concluded to give Monsieur twenty Shillings for a Receipt; which done,
Beggar, says the Monsieur, you make a de Rat one such Bill as
you make me, and if ever dey trouble your House again, me will be
hang.

168. A young Gentleman playing at Questions and Commands with some very
pretty young Ladies, was commanded to take off a Garter from one of
them; but she, as soon as he had laid hold of her Petticoats, ran away
into the next Room, where was a Bed, now, Madam, said he, I bar
squeaking, Bar the Door, you Fool, cry'd she.

169. A Westminster Justice taking Coach in the City, and being
set down at Young Man's Coffee-house, Charing-Cross, the
Driver demanded Eighteen-Pence as his Fare; the Justice asked him, if
he would swear that the Ground came to the Money; the Man said, he
would take his Oath on't. The Justice replyed, Friend, I am a
Magistrate, and pulling a Book out of his Pocket, administer'd the
Oath, and then gave the Fellow Six-pence, saying he must
reserve the Shilling to himself for the Affidavit.

170. A Countryman passing along the Strand saw a Coach
overturn'd, and asking what the Matter was? He was told, that three or
four Members of Parliament were overturned in that Coach: Oh, says he,
there let them lie, my Father always advis'd me not to meddle with
State Affairs.

171. One saying that Mr. Dennis was an excellent Critick, was
answered, that indeed his Writings were much to be valued; for that by
his Criticism he taught Men how to write well, and by his Poetry,
shew'd 'em what it was to write ill; so that the World was sure to
edify by him.

172. One going to see a Friend who had lain a considerable Time in the
Marshalsea Prison, in a Starving Condition, was persuading him,
rather than lie there in that miserable Case, to go to Sea; which not
agreeing with his high Spirit, I thank you for your Advice,
replies the Prisoner, but if I go to Sea, I'm resolv'd it shall be
upon good Ground.

173. A Drunken Fellow carrying his Wife's Bible to pawn for a Quartern
of Gin, to an Alehouse, the Man of the House refused to take it. What a
Pox, said the Fellow, will neither my Word, nor the Word of G—d pass?

174. A certain Justice of Peace, not far from Clerkenwell, in
the first Year of King George I. when his Clerk was reading a
Mittimus to him, coming to Anno Domini 1714, cry'd out, with
some warmth, and why not Georgeo Domini, sure, Sir, you forget
yourself strangely.

175. A certain Noblem—, a Cour—r, in the Beginning of the late Reign,
coming out of the H—se of L—ds, accosts the Duke of B—ham,
with, How does your Pot boil, my Lord, these troublesome Times?
To which his Grace replied, I never go into my Kitchen, but I dare say
the Scum is uppermost.

176. A little dastardly half-witted 'Squire, being once surpriz'd by
his Rival in his Mistress's Chamber, of whom he was terribly afraid,
desir'd for God's Sake to be conceal'd; but there being no Closet or
Bed in the Room, nor indeed any Place proper to hold him, but an
India Chest the Lady put her Cloathes in, they lock'd him in
there. His Man being in the same Danger with himself, said, rather than
fail, he cou'd creep under the Maid's Petticoats: Oh, you silly
Dog, says his Master, that's the commonest Place in the
House.

177. The Lord N——th and G——y, being once at an
Assembly at the Theatre-Royal in the Hay-Market, was
pleas'd to tell Mr. H—d—gg—r, he wou'd make him a Present of
100l. if he could produce an uglier Face in the whole Kingdom
than his, the said H—d—gg—r's, within a Year and a Day: Mr.
H—d—gg—r went instantly and fetch'd a Looking-Glass, and
presented it to his Lordship, saying, He did not doubt but his
Lordship had Honour enough to keep his Promise.

178. A young Fellow praising his Mistress before a very amorous
Acqaintance of his, after having run thro' most of her Charms, he came
at Length to her Majestick Gate, fine Air, and delicate slender Waist:
Hold, says his Friend, go no lower, if you love me; but
by your Leave, says the other, I hope to go lower if she loves
me.

179. A Person who had an unmeasurable Stomach, coming to a Cook's Shop
to dine, said, it was not his Way to have his Meat cut, but to pay
8d. for his Ordinary; which the Cook seem'd to think
reasonable enough, and so set a Shoulder of Mutton before him, of half
a Crown Price, to cut where he pleas'd; with which he so play'd the
Cormorant, that he devour'd all but the Bones, paid his
Ordinary, and troop'd off. The next Time he came, the Cook
casting a Sheep's Eye at him, desired him to agree for his Victuals,
for he'd have no more Ordinaries. Why, a Pox on you, says he,
I'm sure I paid you an Ordinary Price.

180. The extravagant Duke of Buckingham [Villars] once said in a
melancholy Humour, he was afraid he should die a Beggar, which
was the most terrible Thing in the World; upon which a Friend of his
Grace's replyed, No, my Lord, there is a more terrible Thing than that,
and which you have Reason to fear, and that is, that you'll live a
Beggar.

181. The same Duke another Time was making his Complaint to Sir John
Cutler, a rich Miser, of the Disorder of his Affairs, and asked
him, what he should do to prevent the Ruin of his Estate? Live as I
do, my Lord, said Sir John: That I can do, answered the
Duke, when I am ruined.

182. At another Time, a Person who had long been a Dependant on his
Grace, begged his Interest for him at Court, and to press the Thing
more home upon the Duke, said, He had no Body to depend on but God
and his Grace; then, says the Duke, you are in a miserable Way,
for you could not have pitch'd upon any two Persons who have less
Interest at Court.

183. The old Lord Strangford taking a Bottle with the Parson of
the Parish, was commending his own Wine: Here, Doctor, says he,
I can send a couple of Ho—Ho—Ho—Hounds to France (for his
Lordship had an Impediment in his Speech) and have a
Ho—Ho—Ho—Hogshead of this Wi—Wi—Wi—Wine for 'em; What do you say
to that, Doctor? Why, I say, your Lordship has your
Wine-Dog-cheap.

184. The famous Jack Ogle of facetious Memory, having borrow'd
on Note five Pounds and failing the Payment, the Gentleman who had lent
it, indiscreetly took Occasion to talk of it in the Publick
Coffee-house which oblig'd Jack to take Notice of it, so that it
came to a Challenge. Being got into the Field, the Gentleman a little
tender in Point of Courage, offer'd him the Note to make the Matter up;
to which our Hero consented readily, and had the Note delivered: But
now, said the Gentleman, If we should return without fighting,
our Companions will laugh at us; therefore let's give one another a
slight Scar, and say we wounded one another; with all my Heart,
says Jack; Come, I'll wound you first; so drawing his Sword, he
whipt it thro' the fleshy Part of his Antagonist's Arm, 'till he
brought the very Tears in his Eyes. This being done, and the Wound ty'd
up with a Handkerchief; Come, says the Gentleman, now where shall I
wound you? Jack putting himself in a fighting Posture,
cried, Where you can, B——d Sir; Well, well, says the other,
I can swear I received this Wound of you, and so march'd off
contentedly.

185. A Traveller at an Inn once on a very cold Night, stood so near the
Fire that he burnt his Boots: An arch Rogue that sat in the
Chimney-Corner, call'd out to him, Sir, you'll burn your Spurs
presently: My Boots you mean, I suppose: No Sir, says
he, they are burnt already.

186. In Eighty-Eight, when Queen Elizabeth went from
Temple-Bar along Fleet-street, on some Procession, the
Lawyers were rang'd on one Side of the Way, and the Citizens on the
other; says the Lord Bacon, then a Student, to a Lawyer, that
stood next him, Do but observe the Courtiers; if they bow first to
the Citizens, they are in Debt; if to us, they are in Law.

187. Some Gentlemen having a Hare for Supper at the Tavern, the Cook,
instead of a Pudding, had cramm'd the Belly full of Thyme, but
had not above half roasted the Hare, the Legs being almost raw; which
one of the Company observing said, There was too much Thyme, or
Time, in the Belly, and too little in the Legs.

188. Two Countrymen who had never seen a Play in their Lives, nor had
any Notion of it, went to the Theatre in Drury-Lane, when they
placed themselves snug in the Corner of the Middle-Gallery; the first
Musick play'd, which they lik'd well enough; then the Second, and the
Third to their great Satisfaction: At Length the Curtain drew up, and
three or four Actors enter'd to begin the Play; upon which one of them
cry'd to the other, Come, Hodge, let's be going, ma'haps the
Gentlemen are talking about Business.

189. A Countryman sowing his Ground, two smart Fellows riding that Way,
call'd to him with an insolent Air: Well, honest Fellow, says
one of them, 'tis your Business to sow, but we reap the Fruits of
your Labour; to which the plain Countryman reply'd, 'Tis very
likely you may, truly, for I am sowing Hemp.

190. Two inseparable Comrades, who rode in the Guards in
Flanders, had every Thing in common between them. One of them
being a very extravagant Fellow, and unfit to be trusted with Money,
the other was always Purse-bearer, which yet he gain'd little by, for
the former would at Night frequently pick his Pocket to the last
Stiver; to prevent which he bethought himself of a Stratagem,
and coming among his Companions the next Day, he told them he had
bit his Comrade. Ay, how? says they. Why, says he,
I hid my Money in his own Pocket last Night, and I was sure he would
never look for it there.

191. The famous Sir George Rook, when he was a Captain of
Marines, quarter'd at a Village where he buried a pretty many of
his Men: At length the Parson refus'd to perform the Ceremony of their
Internment any more, unless he was paid for it, which being told
Captain Rook, he ordered Six Men of his Company to carry the
Corpse of the Soldier, then dead, and lay him upon the Parson's
Hall-Table. This so embarass'd the Parson, that he sent the Captain
Word, If he'd fetch the Man away, he'd bury him and his whole
Company for nothing.

192. A reverend and charitable Divine, for the Benefit of the Country
where he resided, caused a large Causeway to be begun: As he was one
Day overlooking the Work, a certain Nobleman came by, Well,
Doctor, says he, for all your great Pains and Charity, I don't take
this to be the Highway to Heaven: Very true, my Lord, replied the
Doctor, for if it had, I shou'd have wondered to have met your
Lordship here.

193. Two Jesuits having pack'd together an innumerable Parcel of
miraculous Lies, a Person who heard them, without taking upon him to
contradict them, told 'em one of his own: That at St. Alban's,
there was a Stone Cistern, in which Water was always preserv'd for the
Use of that Saint; and that ever since, if a Swine shou'd eat out of
it, he wou'd instantly die: The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the
Story, set out the next Day to St. Alban's, where they found
themselves miserably deceived: On their Return, they upbraided the
Person with telling them so monstrous a Story; Look ye there
now, said he, you told me a hundred Lies t'other Night, and I
had more Breeding than to contradict you, I told you but one, and you
have rid twenty Miles to confute me, which is very uncivil.

194. A Welchman and an Englishman vapouring one Day at
the Fruitfulness of their Countries; the Englishman said, there
was a Close near the Town where he was born, which was so fertile, that
if a Kiboo was thrown in over Night, it would be so cover'd with
Grass, that 'twould be difficult to find it the next Day; Splut,
says the Welchman, what's that? There's a Close where hur was
born, where you may put your Horse in over Night, and not be able to
find him next Morning.

195. A Country Fellow in King Charles the IId's. Time, selling
his Load of Hay in the Haymarket, two Gentlemen who came out of
the Blue-Posts, were talking of Affairs; one said, that Things
did not go right, the King had been at the House and prorogued the
Parliament. The Countryman coming Home, was ask'd what News in
London? Odsheart, says he, there's something to do
there; the King, it seems, has berogued the Parliament
sadly.

196. A wild young Gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous
young Lady; the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at
his Return, that she was dead, and had been buried: In the mean Time,
she had so plac'd herself in Disguise, as to be able to observe how he
took the News; and finding him still the same gay inconstant Man he
always had been, she appear'd to him as the Ghost of herself, at which
he seemed not at all dismay'd: At length disclosing herself to him, he
then appear'd pretty much surpriz'd: a Person by said, Why, Sir, you
seem more afraid now than before; Ay, replied he, most Men are
more afraid of a living Wife, than a dead one.

197. An under Officer of the Customs at the Port of Liverpool,
running heedlessly along a Ship's Gunnel, happened to tip over-board,
and was drown'd; being soon after taken up, the Coroner's Jury was
summoned to sit upon the Body. One of the Jury-Men returning home, was
call'd to by an Alderman of the Town, and ask'd what Verdict they
brought in, and whether they found it Felo de se: Ay, ay, says
the Jury-Man shaking his Noddle, he fell into the Sea, sure
enough.

198. One losing a Bag of Money of about 50l. between
Temple-Gate and Temple-Bar, fix'd a Paper up, offering
10l. Reward to those who took it up, and should return it: Upon
which the Person that had it came and writ underneath to the following
Effect, Sir, I thank you, but you bid me to my Loss.

199. Two brothers coming to be executed once for some enormous Crime;
the Eldest was first turn'd off, without saying one Word: The other
mounting the Ladder, began to harangue the Crowd, whose Ears were
attentively open to hear him, expecting some Confession from him,
Good People, says he, my Brother hangs before my Face, and
you see what a lamentable Spectacle he makes; in a few Moments,
I shall be turned off too, and then you'll see a Pair of
Spectacles.

200. It was an usual saying of King Charles II. That Sailors
get their Money like Horses, and spent it like Asses; the following
Story is somewhat an instance of it: One Sailor coming to see another
on Pay-day, desired to borrow twenty Shillings of him; the money'd Man
fell to telling out the Sum in Shillings, but a Half-Crown thrusting
its Head in, put him out, and he began to tell again, but then an
impertinent Crown-piece was as officious as it's half Brother had been,
and again interrupted the Tale; so that taking up a Handful of Silver,
he cry'd, Here, Jack, give me a Handful when your Ship's
paid, what a Pox signifies counting it.

201. A Person enquiring what became of such a One? Oh!
dear, says one of the Company, poor fellow, he dy'd insolvent,
and was buried by the Parish: Died in solvent, crys another,
that's a Lie, for he died in England, I'm sure I was at his
Burying.

202. A humorous Countryman having bought a Barn, in Partnership with a
Neighbour of his, neglected to make the least Use of it, whilst the
other had plentifully stor'd his Part with Corn and Hay: In a little
Time the latter came to him, and conscientiousily expostulated with him
upon laying out his Money so fruitlessly: Pray Neighbour, says
he, ne'er trouble your Head, you may do what you will with your Part
of the Barn, but I'll set mine o' Fire.

203. An Irishman whom King Charles II. had some Esteem
for, being only an inferior Servant of the Household, one Day coming
into the King's Presence, his Majesty ask'd him how his Wife did, who
had just before been cut for a Fistula in her Backside. I
humbly thank your Majesty, replied Teague, she's like to do
well, but the Surgeon says, it will be an Eye-Sore as long as she
lives.

204. A young Gentlewoman who had married a very wild Spark, that had
run through a plentiful Fortune, and was reduced to some Streights, was
innocently saying to him one Day, My Dear, I want some Shifts
sadly. Shifts, Madam, replies he, D—— me, how can that
be, when we make so many every Day?

205. A Fellow once standing in the Pillory at Temple-Bar, it
occasioned a Stop, so that a Carman with a Load of Cheeses had much ado
to pass, and driving just up to the Pillory, he asked what that was
that was writ over the Person's Head: They told him, it was a Paper to
signify his Crime, that he stood for Forgery: Ay, says he, what
is Forgery? They answered him, that Forgery was
counterfeiting another's Hand, with Intent to cheat People: To which
the Carman replied, looking up at the Offender, Ah, Pox! this comes of
your Writing and Reading, you silly Dog.

206. Master Johnny sitting one Summer's Evening on the Green
with his Mother's Chamber-maid, among other little Familiarities, as
kissing, pressing her Bubbies and the like, took the Liberty unawares
to satisfy himself whereabouts she ty'd her Garters, and by an unlucky
Slip went farther than he should have done: At which the poor Creature
blushing, cry'd, Be quiet, Mr. John, I'll throw this Stone at
your Head, else. Ay, Child, says he, and I'll fling two
at your Tail if you do.

207. When the Prince of Orange came over, Five of the Seven
Bishops who were sent to the Tower declar'd for his Highness, and the
other Two would not come into Measures; upon which Mr. Dryden
said, that the seven Golden Candlesticks were sent to be
essay'd in the Tower, and five of them prov'd Prince's
Metal.

208. A Dog coming open-mouth'd at a Serjeant upon a March, he run the
Spear of his Halbert into his Throat and kill'd him: The Owner coming
out rav'd extreamly that his Dog was kill'd, and ask'd the Serjeant,
Why, he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt End of
his Halbert? So I would, says he, if he had run at me
with his Tail.

209. King Charles the IId. being in Company with the Lord
Rochester, and others of the Nobility, who had been drinking the
best Part of the Night, Killegrew came in; Now, says the King,
we shall hear of our Faults: No, Faith, says Killegrew, I
don't care to trouble my Head with that which all the Town talks
of.

210. A rich old Miser finding himself very ill, sent for a Parson to
administer the last Consolation of the Church to him: Whilst the
Ceremony was performing, old Gripewell falls into a Fit; on his
Recovery the Doctor offered the Chalice to him; Indeed, crys he,
I can't afford to lend you above twenty Shillings upon't, I can't
upon my Word.

211. A Person who had a chargeable Stomach, used often to asswage his
Hunger at a Lady's Table, having one Time or other promis'd to help her
to a Husband. At length he came to her, Now Madam, says he, I
have brought you a Knight, a Man of Worship and Dignity, one that will
furnish out a Table well. Phoo, says the Lady, your
Mind's ever running on your Belly; No, says he, 'tis
sometimes running o'yours you see.

212. One, who had been a very termagant Wife, lying on her Death-bed,
desired her Husband, That as she had brought him a Fortune she might
have Liberty to make her Will, for bestowing a few Legacies to her
Relations: No, by G—d, Madam, says he, You had your Will, all
your Life-time, and now I'll have mine.

213. When the Lord Jefferies, before he was a Judge, was
pleading at the Bar once, a Country Fellow giving Evidence against his
Client, push'd the Matter very home on the Side he swore of;
Jefferies, after his usual Way, call'd out to the Fellow,
Hark you, you Fellow in the Leather-Doublet, what have you for
swearing? To which the Countryman smartly reply'd, Faith, Sir,
if you have no more for Lying than I have for Swearing, you may go in a
Leather Doublet too.

214. The same Jefferies afterwards on the Bench, told an old
Fellow with a long Beard, that he supposed he had a Conscience as
long as his Beard: Does your Lordship, replies the old Man,
measure Consciences by Beards? if so, your Lordship has no Beard at
all.

215. Apelles, the famous Painter, having drawn the Picture of
Alexander the Great on Horseback, brought it and presented it to
that Prince, but he not bestowing that Praise on it, which so excellent
a Piece deserv'd, Apelles desired a living Horse might be
brought; who mov'd by Nature fell a prancing and neighing, as tho' it
had actually been his living Fellow-Creature; whereupon Apelles
told Alexander, his Horse understood Painting better than
himself.

216. An old Gentleman who had married a fine young Lady, and being
terribly afraid of Cuckoldom, took her to Task one Day, and ask'd her,
if she had considered what a crying Sin it was in a Woman to cuckold
her Husband? Lord, my Dear, says she, what d'ye mean? I never
had such a Thought in my Head, nor never will: No, no,
replied he, I shall have it in my Head, you'll have it some where
else.

217. The late Lord Dorset, in a former Reign, was asking a
certain Bishop, why he conferr'd Orders on so many Blockheads.
Oh, my Lord, says he, 'tis better the Ground should be plowed
by Asses, than lie quite untill'd.

218. A certain Lady, to excuse herself for a Frailty she had lately
fallen into, said to an intimate Friend of hers, Lord, how is it
possible for a Woman to keep her Cabinet unpickt, when every Fellow has
got a Key to it.

219. Mr. Dryden, once at Dinner, being offered by a Lady the
Rump of a Fowl, and refusing it, the Lady said, Pray, Mr.
Dryden, take it, the Rump is the best Part of the Fowl;
Yes, Madam, says he, and so I think it is of the Fair.

220. A Company of Gamesters falling out at a Tavern, gave one another
very scurvy Language: At length those dreadful Messengers of Anger, the
Bottles and Glasses flew about like Hail-Shot; one of which mistaking
it's Errand, and hitting the Wainscot, instead of the Person's Head it
was thrown at, brought the Drawer rushing in, who cry'd, D'ye call
Gentlemen? Call Gentlemen, says one of the Standers by;
no they don't call Gentlemen, but they call one another
Rogue and Rascal, as fast as they can.

221. An amorous young Fellow making very warm Addresses to a marry'd
Woman, Pray, Sir, be quiet, said she, I have a Husband that
won't thank you for making him a Cuckold: No Madam, reply'd
he, but you will I hope.

222. One observing a crooked Fellow in close Argument with another, who
would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderable Resolution; said to
his Friend, Prithee, let him alone, and say no more to him, you see
he's bent upon it.

223. Bully Dawson was overturned in a Hackney-Coach once, pretty
near his Lodgings, and being got on his Legs again, he said, 'Twas the
greatest Piece of Providence that ever befel him, for it had saved him
the Trouble of bilking the Coachman.

224. A vigorous young Officer, who made Love to a Widow, coming a
little unawares upon her once, caught her fast in his Arms. Hey
day, say she, what do you fight after the French Way:
take Towns before you declare War? No, faith, Widow says he, but I
should be glad to imitate them so far, to be in the Middle of the
Country before you could resist me.

225. Sir Godfrey Kneller, and the late Dr. Ratcliffe, had
a Garden in common, but with one Gate: Sir Godfrey, upon some
Occasion, ordered the Gate to be nail'd up; when the Doctor heard of
it, he said, He did not Care what Sir Godfrey did to the
Gate, so he did not paint it. This being told Sir Godfrey,
he replied, He would take that, or any Thing from his good Friend,
the Doctor, but his Physick.

226. The same Physician, who was not the humblest Man in the World,
being sent for by Sir Edward Seymour, who was said to be the
proudest; the Knight received him, while he was dressing his Feet and
picking his Toes, being at that Time troubled with a Diabetis,
and upon the Doctor's entering the Room, accosted him in this Manner,
So Quack, said he, I'm a dead Man, for I piss sweet;
Do ye, replied the Doctor, then prithee piss upon your Toes,
for they stink damnably: And so turning round on his Heel went out
of the Room.

227. A certain worthy Gentleman having among his Friends the Nickname
of Bos, which was a Kind of Contraction of his real Name, when
his late Majesty conferred the Honour of Peerage upon him, a Pamphlet
was soon after published with many sarcastical Jokes upon him, and had
this Part of a Line from Horace as a Motto, viz.

——Optat Ephippia Bos——

My Lord asked a Friend, who could read Latin, what that meant?
It is as much as to say, my Lord, said he, that you become Honours
as a Sow does a Saddle. O! very fine, said my Lord: Soon after
another Friend coming to see him, the Pamphlet was again spoken of, I
would, said my Lord, give five hundred Pounds to know the Author of it.
I don't know the Author of the Pamphlet, said his Friend, but I know
who wrote the Motto; Ay, cry'd my Lord, prithee who was it?
Horace, answered the other: How, replied his Lordship, a
dirty Dog, that his Return for all the Favours I have done him and his
Brother.

228. A wild Gentleman having pick'd up his own Wife for a Mistress, the
Man, to keep his Master in Countenance, got to Bed to the Maid too. In
the Morning, when the Thing was discovered, the Fellow was obliged, in
Attonement for his Offence, to make the Girl amends by marrying her;
Well, says he, little did my Master and I think last Night,
that we were robbing our own Orchards.

229. One seeing a kept Whore, who made a very great Figure, ask'd, what
Estate she had? Oh, says another, a very good Estate in
Tail.

230. In the great Dispute between South and Sherlock, the
former, who was a great Courtier, said, His Adversary reasoned well,
but he Bark'd like a Cur: To which the other reply'd, That Fawning was
the Property of a Cur, as well as Barking.

231. Second Thoughts, we commonly say, are best; and young Women who
pretend to be averse to Marriage, desire not to be taken at their
Words. One asking a Girl, if she would have him? Faith,
no, John, says she, but you may have me if you will.

232. A Gentleman lying on his Death-Bed, called to his Coachman, who
had been an old Servant, and said, Ah! Tom, I'm going a long
rugged Journey, worse than ever you drove me? Oh, dear Sir, reply'd
the Fellow (he having been but an indifferent Master to him), ne'er
let that discourage you, for it is all down Hill.

233. An honest bluff Country Farmer, meeting the Parson of the Parish
in a By-Lane, and not giving him the Way so readily as he expected, the
Parson, with an erected Crest, told him, He was better fed than
taught: Very likely indeed Sir, reply'd the Farmer: For you
teach me and I feed myself.

234. A famous Teacher of Arithmetick, who had long been married
without being able to get his Wife with Child: One said to her, Madam,
your Husband is an excellent Arithmetician. Yes, replies she,
only he can't multiply.

235. One making a furious Assault upon a hot Apple-pye, burnt his Mouth
'till the Tears ran down; his Friend asked him, Why he wept?
Only, says he, 'tis just come into my Mind, that my
Grand-mother dy'd this Day twelvemonth: Phoo! says the
other, is that all? So whipping a large Piece into his Mouth, he
quickly sympathiz'd with his Companion; who seeing his Eyes brim full,
with a malicious Sneer ask'd him, why he wept? A Pox on
you, says he, because you were not hanged the same Day your
Grand-mother dy'd.

236. A Lady who had married a Gentleman that was a tolerable Poet, one
Day sitting alone with him, she said, Come, my Dear, you write upon
other People, prithee write something for me; let me see what Epitaph
you'll bestow upon me when I die: Oh, my Dear, reply'd he, that's a
melancholy Subject, prithee don't think of it: Nay, upon my Life you
shall, adds she,——Come, I'll begin,

237. A Cowardly Servant having been hunting with his Lord, they had
kill'd a wild Boar; the Fellow seeing the Boar stir, betook himself to
a Tree; upon which his Master call'd to him, and asked him, what he
was afraid of the Boar's Gut's were out? No matter for that,
says he, his Teeth are in.

238. One telling another that he had once so excellent a Gun that it
went off immediately upon a Thief's coming into the House, altho' it
wasn't charged: How the Devil can that be? said t'other:
Because, said the First, the Thief carry'd it off, and
what was worse, before I had Time to charge him with it.

239. Some Gentlemen coming out of a Tavern pretty merry, a Link-Boy
cry'd, Have a Light, Gentlemen? Light yourself to the Devil,
you Dog, says one of the Company: Bless you, Master, reply'd
the Boy, we can find the Way in the Dark; shall we light your
Worship thither.

240. A Person was once try'd at Kingston before the late Lord
Chief Justice Holt, for having two Wives, where one Unit
was to have been the chief Evidence against him: After much calling for
him, Word was brought that they could hear nothing of him. No,
says his Lordship, why then, all I can say, is, Mr. Unit
stands for a Cypher.

241. 'Tis certainly the most transcendent Pleasure to be agreeably
surpriz'd with the Confession of Love, from an ador'd Mistress. A young
Gentleman, after a very great Misfortune came to his Mistress, and told
her, He was reduc'd even to the want of five Guineas: To which she
replied, I am glad of it with all my Heart: Are you so, Madam,
adds he, suspecting her Constancy: Pray, why so? Because, says
she, I can furnish you with five Thousand.

242. On a Publick Night of Rejoicing, when Bonefires and Illuminations
were made, some honest Fellows were drinking the King's Health and
Prosperity to England, as long as the Sun and Moon endured: Ay,
says one, and 500 Years after, for I have put both my Sons
Apprentices to a Tallow-Chandler.

243. A young Fellow who had made an End of all he had, even to his last
Suit of Cloathes; one said to him, Now I hope, you'll own yourself a
happy Man, for you have made an End of all your Cares: How so, said the
Gentleman; Because, said the other, you've nothing left to
take care of.

244. Some years ago, when his Majesty used to hunt frequently in
Richmond-Park, it brought such Crowds of People thither, that
Orders were given to admit none, when the King was there himself, but
the Servants of the Household. A fat Country Parson having, on one of
these Days a strong Inclination to make one of the Company, Captain
B-d-ns, promised to introduce him, but coming to the Gate, the
Keepers would have stopp'd him, by telling him, none but the Houshold
were to be admitted: Why, d—mn you, said the Captain, don't you know
the Gentleman? He's his Majesty's Hunting-Chaplain: Upon which
the Keepers asked Pardon, and left the reverend Gentleman to
Recreation.

245. The learned Mr. Charles Barnard, Serjeant Surgeon to Queen
Anne, being very severe upon Parsons having
Pluralities. A reverend and worthy Divine heard him a good while
with Patience, but at length took him up with this Question, Why do
you Mr. Serjeant Barnard rail thus at Pluralities, who
have always so many Sine-Cures upon your own Hands?

246. Dr. Lloyd, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his
Prophesies, when by his Sollicitations and Compliance at Court,
he got removed from a poor Welch Bishoprick to a rich
English one. A reverend Dean of the Church said, That he
found his Brother Lloyd spelt Prophet with an F[2].

247. A worthy old Gentleman in the Country, having employ'd an
Attorney, of whom he had a pretty good Opinion, to do some Law Business
for him in London, he was greatly surprized on his coming to
Town, and demanding his Bill of Law Charges, to find that it amounted
to at least three Times the Sum he expected; the honest Attorney
assured him, that there was no Article in his Bill, but what was
fair and reasonable: Nay, said the Country Gentleman, here is
one of them I am sure cannot be so, for you have set down three
Shillings and four Pence for going to Southwark, when none of my
Business lay that Way; pray what is the Meaning of that Sir; Oh!
Sir, said he, that was for fetching the Chine and
Turkey from the Carriers, that you sent me for a Present, out
of the Country.

FINIS.

Footnotes

 
[1] See Cibber's Preface to Provok'd Husband.

 
[2] Most of the Clergy follow this Spelling.