Progress.—"I maintain that the race has improved in
physique since those days. Now we couldn't get into that armour!"

Voice from above. "What are you doing down there,
Parkins?"

Parkins. "I'm jush—puttin' away the port, shir!"

Commissionaire. "Would you like a four-wheeler or a
'ansom sir?" Convivial Party (indistinctly). "Ver' mush
oblige—but—reely don't think I could take 'ny more!"

"WHO PAYS THE PIPER CALLS THE TUNE"

Johnnie (to waiter). "Aw—you're the boss—head waiter, eh?"

Waiter. "Yessir."

Johnnie. "Ah, well, just—ah—send up to your orchestra chaps, and
tell 'em I really can't eat my dinner to that tune."

A Last Resource.—A happy and independent bachelor finds
himself suddenly disappointed of his Christmas party in the country; he
has ordered nothing at home, has given his cook and man-servant leave to
invite their friends; his intimate companions are out of town, and, on
arriving at his club, he is informed by the hall porter that "there is
no dinner to-night, as the servants are having a party." Only one
resource, a hotel, or dinner at a restaurant, all alone!

The very Latest Discovery.—Amateur Astronomical Student
(returning home, after attending scientific bachelor dinner, where "the
reported discovery of a new Satellite of Saturn" has been warmly
discussed). "Where am I? Letsh shee—(considering)—Earth's got one
moon. Mars's got five moo—Jup'tush nine—I shee two moons. Then—where
am I?"

So very Conscientious!—Master of the House. "Why,
Jenkins, what on earth is the matter with you? Aren't you ashamed of
yourself?"

Butler (with great deliberation), "Well, shir—if you pleashe,
shir—itsh not quite my fault. You told me to taste every bottle of
wine before dinner, in cashe one should be corked. I've only carried out
in-shtrucshuns."

DISCUSSING AN ABSENT FRIEND

"Yes, Robinson's a clever feller, and he's a modest feller, and he's a
honest feller; but, betwixt you and I and the post, Mr. Jones," said
Brown, confidentially, picking his wisdom tooth with his little finger
nail, "Robinson ain't got neither the looks, nor yet the language, nor
yet the manners of a gentleman!"

"Right you are, sir!" said Jones, shovelling the melted remains of his
ice pudding into his mouth with a steel knife (which he afterwards wiped
on the tablecloth). "You've 'it 'im orf to a T!"

First Convivial. "'Sh two o'clock! Wha'll er misshus
shay?"

Second Convivial. "Thash allri'! Shay you bin wi' me—(hic)!"

"IN CONFIDENCE"

Diner. "Thomson, do the members ask for this wine?"

Head Waiter (sotto voce). "Not twice, sir!"

A Bad Ending.—"Well, William, what's become of Robert?"
"What, 'aven't you 'eard, sir?" "No! Not defunct, I hope!" "That's
just exactly what he 'as done, sir, and walked off with heverything he
could lay his 'ands on!"

A SALVE FOR THE CONSCIENCE

Vegetarian Professor. "No, madam, not even fish. I cannot sanction the
destruction of life. These little creatures, for instance, were but
yesterday swimming happily in the sea."

Mrs. O'Laughlan. "Oh but, Professor, just think it's the first time
the poor little things have ever been really warm in their lives!"

FELICITOUS QUOTATION

"Oh, Robert, the grouse has been kept too long! I wonder you can eat
it!"

"My dear, 'we needs must love the highest when we see it.'"

(Guinevere.)

Little Boreham (relating his Alpine adventures).
"There I stood, the terrible abyss yawning at my feet——" That Brute
Brown. "Was it yawning when you got there, or did it start after you
arrived?"

At a dinner given by my Lord Broadacres to some of his
tenants, curaçoa is handed in a liqueur-glass to old Turnitops, who,
swallowing it with much relish, says—"Oi zay, young man! Oi'll tak zum
o' that in a moog!"

PRICE FOR AGE

Mr. Green. "You needn't be afraid of that glass of wine, uncle. It's
thirty-four port, you know."

Uncle. "Thirty-four port!—Thirty-four fiddlesticks! It's no more
thirty-four port than you are!"

Mr. Green. "It is I can assure you! Indeed, it's really
thirty-six; and thirty-four if you return the bottles!"

FLUNKEIANA

Master. "Thompson, I believe that I have repeatedly expressed an
objection to being served with stale bread at dinner. How is it my
wishes have not been attended to?"

Thompson. "Well, sir, I reely don't know what is to be done! It won't
do to waste it, and we can't eat it downstairs!"

CONCLUSIVE

Scene—Hibernian Table d'hôte

Guest. "Waiter! I say—this is pork! I want mutton!"

Waiter (rather bustled). "Yes, sorr, it's mutton ye want—but it's
pork ye'll have!"

Cruel!—Lucullus Brown (on hospitable purpose
intent). "Are you dining anywhere to-morrow night?" Jones (not
liking to absolutely "give himself away"). "Let me
see"—(considers)—"No; I'm not dining anywhere to-morrow." Lucullus
Brown (seeing through the artifice). "Um! Poor chap! How hungry you
will be!"     ["Exeunt,—severally."

CANDID!

Simultaneously

Host (smacking his lips). "Now, what do you say to that glass of
she——"

Guest. "My dear fellow, where did you get this abominable Marsala?"

"TO PUT IT BROADLY"

Improvised Butler (to distinguished guest). "Will ye take anny more
drink, sor?"

First Customer. "Waiter, a fried sole."

Second Customer. "Bring me a fried sole, too, waiter—and mind it is
fresh."

Waiter. "Two fried soles—one fresh!"

After Many Years!—Country Parson (to distinguished
Peer, who has been making THE speech of the evening). "How d'ye do,
my lord? I see you don't quite remember me." Distinguished Peer.
"Well—er—not altogether." C. P. "We were members of the same club at
Oxford." D. P. (with awakening interest). "Oh—ah! Let me see—which
club was that?" C. P. "The—er—Toilet Club, you know!"

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

She. "We expected you to dinner last night, Herr Professor. We waited
half an hour for you. I hope it was not illness that prevented you
from coming?"

He. "Ach, no! I vas not hongry!"

A DILEMMA

Nervous Gentleman (to two sisters). "I've got to take one of you in
to dinner. A—a—let me see—a—which is the elder?"

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

Jones (to hostess, famous for her dinners). "Oh, by the way, Mrs.
Hodgkinson, if you should happen to want a really good cook, I know of
one who would suit you to a T!"

THE RULING PASSION STRONG AT DINNER

Laconic Waiter (thoroughly familiar with sporting Major's taste in
champagne). "Seventy-four, sir?"

Sporting Major (down on his luck, after a bad week at Newmarket).
"Seven-to-four, sir! Dash it! wouldn't take ten to one about anything!"

Old Jones. "Yes, my boy, there's wine for you, eh? I
bought ten pounds worth of it the other day."

Brown. "What a lot you must have got!"

A BIG ORDER

Stout Party (to waitress), "Put me on a pancake, please!"

At a Literary and Artistic Banquet.—Waiter (to
colleague). "Well, they may 'ave the intellec', Fred, but we certainly
'as the good looks!"

Why not a phonographic after-dinner speech machine?
Celebrities could be represented at any number of banquets.

["An experiment in dinner speeches by telephone is to be tried at Massachusetts Institute."]

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE

Would-be Considerate Hostess (to son of the house). "How inattentive
you are, John! You really must look after Mr. Brown. He's helping
himself to everything!"

[Discomfiture of Brown, who, if somewhat shy, is conscious of a very healthy appetite.

Things One would(n't) rather have left Unsaid.—(In Mrs.
Talbot de Vere Skynflynte's drawing-room, after one of her grand
dinner-parties where nobody gets enough to eat.) General Guzzleton.
"What's that? Tea? No, thanks. I never take tea unless I've dined!"

Our Gallant Colonel. "Your daughters, my dear Mrs.
Tympanum, are looking delightful to-night—simply delightful!"

Mrs. Tympanum (rather hard of hearing, and very intent on a rôti of
ducklings). "Yes, aren't they! I've had them stuffed with sage and
onions!"

Cruel!—Smith (usually a shy, reserved, and silent man)
tells a rather long, but otherwise entertaining, story, about an orange,
which meets with great success. Brown (when the laughter and applause
have subsided). "Bravo, Smith! Capital, old man! But, I say, you told
it better one night at Jones's, a few months ago!" Jones. "No, no!
Where he told it best was that morning we breakfasted with you, Brown,
somewhere about the beginning of the year before last!" Robinson. "Ah,
but don't you recollect the way he told it after that supper I gave you
fellows at Evans' in 'fifty-one'? How we did laugh, to be sure!"

Whose Fault?—Wife (reproachfully). "O, Charles!" (She
had returned to the dining-room, wondering why he had not come upstairs
to tea.) Charles (who had evidently taken a little too much wine). "V'y
well, my dear! 'Sh not my fault! 'Sh your fault! Cooksh fault! 'Bisque
soup was salt! Sh'preme d'la V'laille was smoked! And orange frittersh
'tough as leather! What did Capt'n du Cane shay? Bad cookery cause of
all sorts o' crimes. 'Shamed of yourshelf!"

After-dinner Criticism.—Guest (who has had a pleasant evening, will
just have a look at his host's pictures before he goes).
"Yesh—(hic)—'like tha' pictsh're! Fi' lanshc'pe! 'Like the treesh!
'Branshes wave 'bout s' nash'rally!!!"

Down a Peg.—Mr. Gifted Hopkins (minor poet, essayist,
critic, golfer, fin-de-siècle idol, &c.). "Oh, Mrs. Smart—a—I've been
thinking, for the last twenty minutes, of something to say to you!"
Mrs. Smart (cheerfully). "Please go on thinking, Mr. Hopkins,—and
I'll go on talking to Professor Brayne in the meantime.

Past and Present.—Serious and much-married man. "My
dear friend, I was astonished to hear of your dining at Madame
Troisétoiles!—a 'woman with a past' you know!"

The Friend (bachelor "unattached"). "Well, you see, old man, she got
a first-rate chef, so it isn't her 'past,' but her 're-past' that I
care about."

A Connoisseur.—Sir Pompey Bedell. "This bottle of
Romanée-conti seems rather cloudy, Brown! It ought to be all right. I
know it stands me in twelve guineas a dozen!"

The New Butler. "There certainly his some sediment, Sir Pompey; but
it's of no consequence whatever! I tried a bottle of it myself the
other day, and found it first-rate!"

A PIOUS FRAUD!

"Hullo, Monty, what have you got in your button-hole? You don't mean to
say you've joined the blue ribbon army?"

"Yes; for this night only. Going to dine with Jakes. Don't want to hurt
poor old Jakes' feelings—don't want to be poisoned by his beastly wine.
See?"

IN THE DAYS OF THE CRINOLINE—DINING UNDER DIFFICULTIES

Repletion.—Robert. "Pudding or cheese, sir?"

Abstracted Editor. "Owing to pressure of other matter, 'regret we are
unable to find room for it!"

Brown (who has been dining at the club with Jones).
"Just come in a minute, old fellow, and have a night-cap."

Jones. "I'm afraid it's getting a little late. Let's see how's the
enemy."

Brown. "Oh! that's all right. She's in bed."

INNOCENTS IN THE CITY

Mrs. Fitznoodle (evidently not well versed in the delicacies of a
Guildhall feast). "Freddy, dear, can you tell me what is the
difference between 'calipash' and 'calipee'?"

Colonel Fitznoodle (hesitating, and looking round for an answer).
"Certainly, my dear. Exactly the difference there is between 'Gog' and
'Magog'!"

SYMPATHETIC

Toast-master (to chairman of public dinner). "Would you like to
propose your toast now, my lord, or should we let 'em enjoy themselves a
bit longer?"

Infelicitous Misquotations.—Hostess. "You've eaten
hardly anything, Mr. Simpkins!"

Mr. S. "My dear lady, I've dined 'wisely, but not too well!'"

TRIUMPHS OF THE FUNNY MAN

Hired Waiter (handing the liqueurs). "Please, sir, don't make me
laugh—I shall spill 'em all!"

OVERHEARD AT A CITY RESTAURANT

"I said Welsh radish, not horse rabbit!"

IRRESISTIBLE

Our Robert (on duty in the provinces, offering dish to neglected
spinster). "Little duck!"

[In such a tone of voice, that, at the risk of the sage and—— she
accepts!

Host. "I say, my boy, shall we join ladies in
drawing-room?"

Guest. "I sh'inksho."

Host. "Can you say, 'The scenery's truly rural 'bout here?'"

Guest. "Sc-scenery tooralooral."

Host. "All right, come along!"

He knew the Cuisine.—Hungry Diner (scanning the
menu). "Look here, waiter, I'm starving. I think I'll have a little of
everything!"

Waiter. "Yessir. (Bawls off.) 'Ash one!"

SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS

SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS

SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS

SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS

SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS

SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS

SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS

SCENE—CHOP-HOUSE

Enter Street Boy, and, with suppressed ecstasy. "Oh, please, there's
your cat and kittens having such a game with the things in the winder!"

A REBUKE

Host. "Fish is very expensive, just now, I can tell you. This salmon
cost me two and sixpence a pound!"

Guest (no business of his). "Ah, it's very good, I think I'll take
another eighteen penn'orth!"

CAUTION

The Major. "Don't you like liqueurs, Mrs. Jinks?"

Mrs. Jinks. "Yes; but they make one so unreserved!"

A BORN ORATOR (IN THE EAST)

Farmer (proposing landlord's health). "An' if a' squiears 'ud dew
as our squiear dew, there wudna be so many on 'em as dew as they
dew dew!"

No Excuse for not Believing.—"Then you don't believe in
phrenology?" "No, rather not. I once gave one of those fellows a
sovereign to read my head, and, after feeling it a long time, all he
said was, that I had no idea of the value of money."

Things one would rather have put Differently.—Mr.
Bumblepup. "I must apologise for coming in ordinary evening dress."
Hostess. "Well, you really have the advantage of us. We're all looking
more foolish than usual, and you're not."

Mr. Boreham (in the thick of a long and pointless
story). "Well, as I was saying, I happened to be in the City the other
day, and, as I was walking down Cheapside, whom should I meet but my old
friend, Stodgeley, whom I haven't seen for fifteen years. Well, what do
you think he did? He stopped dead when he saw me, slapped me on the
shoulder, and said, 'Surely this must be my dear old friend, Boreham?'"
She (with difficulty keeping awake). "Yes?—and was it?"

Hostess (to friend who has been brought in to take
pot-luck). "I'm afraid, Mr. Simpson, we've only got a very poor dinner
to offer you."

Mr. Simpson. "My dear Mrs. Jones, I beg you not to apologise! I assure
you I think it quite desirable to underfeed occasionally!"

Social Agonies.—"I say, old chap, it's short notice, but
do come and dine this next Thursday!" "Can't, dear old man. I'm
engaged three deep for the night!" "Oh, sorry! I've got the Duke and
Duchess of Runnymede, and Lord Savory!" "Oh,"—(seeing it in quite a
different light)—"next Thursday, did you say? I thought you said
Thursday week. Oh, yes, I shall be delighted!"

[Their Graces and Lord S. never turned up, after all!]

REASSURING

"Lor' bless yer, sir, that's all right, sir! That ain't a fly,
sir!—that's a bit of dirt!"

BREAKING THE ICE

Sprightly Lady. "Mr. Dormers, would you oblige me with——"

Bashful Curate (who had scarcely spoken to his fair neighbour). "O,
certainly. What shall I have the pleasure to offer?——"

Lady. "—— a remark!!"

The Connoisseur.—Host (smacking his lips). "There,
my boy, what do you think of that? I thought I'd give you a treat.
That's '34 port, sir!" Guest. "Ah, and a very nice, sound wine, I
should say! I believe it's quite as good as some I gave 37s. for the
other day."

A Gentle Snub.—"Here, waiter—quick! Something to
eat—and look sharp!" "Yessir. What'll you 'ave, sir?" "Oh—anything—I
don't care. Chop or steak—whatever you like." "You must excuse me, sir;
but I don't feel called upon to decide!"

THE WAY WE LIVE NOW

Time—3 p.m.         Scene—Club.

First Gilded Youth. "Had any breakfast, old chappie?"

Second Gilded Youth. "Yes. Had an egg beaten up at twelve."

First Gilded Youth (in admiration). "Doose you did! What a
constitution you must have!"

THE FIRST ASPARAGUS OF THE SEASON

Farmer (at market dinner). "Wull, gen'elmen, I dunno wot be the
c'rect way o' servin' these 'ere, but I gen'elly eats just the ends of
'em myself!"

THE GENIAL SEASON

Hungry-looking Acquaintance (with eye to invitation). "So glad to
see you enjoying yourself!"

Fat Chap (evidently doing well). "Wrong again, old man. I'm enjoying
my dinner!"

Mrs. Godolphin. "Shall we meet at Dunchester House
to-morrow?"

Mrs. Lascelles. "No. I was there on Monday. I heard there were a few
people going to-morrow."

Mrs. Godolphin. "Oh, yes. She has only asked quite a few people. On
Monday, now, I hear there was quite a big rabble there!"

The Consciousness of Importance.—Mrs. Brown. "We are
having some friends to dine with us on the twenty-fourth, Mr. Green, and
want you to come and help to wait at table, as usual." The Family
Greengrocer. "On the twenty-fourth, ma'am? I'm sorry to say I'm engaged
on the twenty-fourth." Mrs. Brown. "Dear me! How unfortunate! We are
so accustomed to you, and you know our ways." Mr. Green.."Yes, ma'am.
Couldn't you write and put off your friends till the week after,
ma'am?"

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

"By the way, your friend O'Leary dined with me last night. What a dull
dog he is!"

"Oh, that depends on what company he's in!"

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

"You can't go home when it's raining like this. You'd better stay and
have dinner with us!"

"Oh, it's not quite so bad as that!"

FREAKS OF NATURE

Waiter. "Now, then, look sharp! Here's that mutton chop a biling with
rage at bein' kep' waitin', and a beefsteak gone away in a towering
passion!"

A NEW DISH

Sympathising Swell (waiting for some chicken). "You've got no
sinecure there, Thomas!"

Perspiring Footman. "Very sorry, sir—just 'elped the last of it away,
sir!"

ALARMING SYMPTOMS AFTER EATING BOILED BEEF AND GOOSEBERRY
PIE

Little Boy. "Oh, lor, mar, I feel just exactly as if my jacket was
buttoned."

BROWN AND JONES OVER THEIR WINE

Jones. "How would I take Cronstadt? With vigour and decision, nothing
more easy. My dear Brown, look here. This table is the Baltic, very
well. Now look—(Jones places certain strawberries for the forts; the
city of Cronstadt on this occasion only being represented by a plate of
gooseberries at the back.) Here we are. The strawberries the forts:
Cronstadt the gooseberries. Now a little vigour and decision! This spoon
is the Duke of Wellington, three-decker, leading the van. We go in
here, firing both broadsides at once, to destroy the forts to larboard
and starboard; while at the same time our guns in the bows and
stern-sheets smash the other forts before and behind. Very good. We are
then in front of Cronstadt—the city of Cronstadt. We shell that, sir;
shell it of course! Blow up the powder-magazines; capitulation ensues;
the Russian fleet is in a blaze, and, my dear Brown, that is how I
would take Cronstadt——"

Brown. "—— After dinner."

HEAVY

Stranger (just arrived at the City of Eastminster). "What can I have
for dinner, waiter?"

Waiter. "Anything you please, sir!"

Stranger. "What are you celebrated for here?"

Waiter. "Well, sir, there's the cathedral——!!"

HORRIBLE SUSPICION

Old Gentleman. "Oh, waiter, why is it that a dinner off the joint is
five shillings, but if you only have made dishes and soup, it's two
shillings and sixpence?"

Waiter. "That, sir, is on account of the very high price of butcher's
meat just now, sir."

SELF-EXAMINATION

Party (slightly influenced). "Queshion ish! Am I fit to go
intodrawingroom? Letsh shee!—I can shay gloriush conshyshusn!—Have
seen Brish inshychusion—all that shortothing—thatledo—here gosh!"

During the Cattle Show.—Old Farmer Wuzzle (reading
the bill of fare). "Dinners har lar cart! What does that mean, Polly?"
Miss Wuzzle (who has been to a fashionable boarding-school to be
finished, who has been taught French and how "to spank the grand
pianner" and who is never at a loss). "Aller cart, father? Why, that
means a small, simple dinner. If you want something heavy and
first-rate, you order what they call a dinner waggon!"

"March of Refinement," 1875.—Brown (behind the age,
but hungry). "Give me the bill of fare, waiter."

Head Waiter. "Beg pardon, sir?"

Brown. "The bill of fare."

Head Waiter. "The what, sir? O!—ah!—Yes!"—(to
subordinate)—"Chawles, bring this—this—a—gen'leman—the menoo!!"

"MELTING!"

Stout Chairman (who feels the fire close at his back rather
oppressive). "Waiter, I asked you to bring me a screen."

Waiter. "Master's very sorry, sir, but we ain't got no screen!"

Stout Chairman. "Then, for goodness' sake, tell the cook to send up
the dripping-pan, and put it under me, quick!"

"I say, waiter, this salmon cutlet isn't half so good as
the one I had here last week."

"Can't see why, sir. It's off the same fish!"

"PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE WAITER"

A PERSONAL GRIEVANCE

"I say, won't they let you go into long trousers?"

STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE

Mr. Huggins. "What a 'eavenly dinner it was!"

Mr. Buggins. "B'lieve yer! Mykes yer wish yer was born 'oller!"

The New School.—Uncle (who is rather proud of his
cellar). "Now George, my boy, there's a glass of champagne for
you—don't get such stuff at school, eh? eh? eh?"

George. "H'm—awfully sweet! Very good sort for ladies—but I've
arrived at a time of life, when I confess I like my wine dry!"
(Sensation.)

Pleasant!—Lord Reginald Sansdenier (in answer to
confidential remark of his host). "Twenty thousand pounds worth of
plate on the table, Sir Gorgius? I wonder you ain't afraid of being
robbed!"

Sir Gorgius Midas. "Robbed, my lord! Good 'evens! I'm sure yer
lordship's too honnerable heven to think of sich a thing!"

Farmer. "I say, John, what do you call a pineapple—a
fruit or a vegetable?"

Waiter. "A pineapple hain't neither, gentlemen. A pineapple is always
a hextra!"

A True Artist.—Mamma (to Tommy, who has been allowed
for a few minutes to wait at table). "Now, Tommy, kiss me, and go to
bed."

Tommy (to footman). "Do you ever kiss the missus, Charles?"

Footman. "No, sir!"

Tommy. "Then I won't!"

SMALL SOCIAL AGONIES

Hostess. "It's but a poor lunch I can give you! But my cook has got
influenza!"

Enfant terrible. "Oh, mummy, you always say that!"

Quite A Novelty.—Amiable Experimentalist. "Makes a
delicious side dish, doesn't it? But it is not the common mushroom; it's
a large fungus, called the agaricus procerus. It grows solitary in hedge
rows, is called colubrinus, from the snake-like markings on its stem.
The pileus is covered with scales, which are formed by the breaking-up
of the mud-coloured epidermis, and——" [General panic takes place

The Golden Key.—Mr. Montgomerie. "Ah! my dear boys,
you're right. The extent to which our English system of 'tipping' has
grown is something monstrous! Why, I can assure you—that—at some of
the big country houses I stop at, it costs me a ten-pound note to get
out of 'em!"

Jones (to his neighbour, sotto voce). "Wonder how much it costs him
to get into 'em?"

Annals of a Retired Suburb.—The Montgomery Joneses
celebrated their wedding-day by giving a dinner on an unusually
magnificent scale to some of their London friends. Unfortunately, an
unexpected change in the weather during the afternoon has made the road
up the hill rather heavy, so that the London friends omit to turn up.

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

Hostess. "What fun you seem to be having over there, Captain Smiley! I
wish you all sat at this end of the table!"

Waiter (who has "seen better days"—absently, as he
pours out the champagne). "Say when!"

Quiet Man (as a particularly "steep" story of
adventure comes to a close). "Er—will somebody pass the salt,
please?"

Adolphus (grandly; he is giving his future
brother-in-law a little dinner down the river). "Waitar—you
can—ah—leave us!"

Old Waiter. "Hem!—yessir—but—you'll pard'n me, sir—we've so many
gents—'don't wish to impute nothink, sir—but master—'fact is,
sir—(evidently feels a delicacy about mentioning it)—we're—you see,
sir—'sponsible for the plate, sir!!!"

GRAND BURNS' FESTIVAL—BROWN ENTERTAINS HIS FRIEND WI' A
HAGGIS!

Happy Thought.—Sir Pompey Bedell (poking the fire in
his new smoking-room). "This wretched chimney has got into a most
objectionable way of smoking. A—I can't cure it." Bedell Junior.
"Just give it a couple of your cigars, governor!—it'll never smoke
again!"

"CRAMMING"

Affectionate Uncle. "Glad to see you, Rupert. Now tell me all about
it. What form are you in, old boy?"

Nephew (just returned from Harrow). "Well, uncle, not so bad, I
think. I can generally manage a couple of eggs, two sausages, or
kidneys, some Dundee marmalade, and two cups of coffee for breakfast. I
always have a little luncheon, any amount of roast beef or mutton for
dinner, and I generally look in at the confectioner's in the afternoon,
and invariably wind up with a good supper. What do you think of that?"

[Disappointed and misunderstood uncle subsides,
and thinks it best to make no comments.

Old Gentleman (who has not hurried over his dinner,
and has just got his bill). "Waiter, what's this? I'm charged here
twopence for stationery. You know I've had none——"

Irish Waiter. "Faix! yer honour, I don't know. Y'ave been sittin' here
a long t-h-ime, anyhow!!"

"A Strict Regard for Truth."—Nephew. "Hold up, uncle,
people'll think you're screwed!"

Uncle (the wedding breakfast had been hilarious). "Shcrew'd! No, no,
Sheorgsh! No' sh' bad 'sh that! 'Shame time—don' le'sh be"—(lurching
heavily)—"osht'n—tas'hly shober! 'Can't bear osht'ntash'n!!"

SEASONABLE LUXURY

Old Gent (disgusted). "Here, waiter! Here's a—here's
a—a—caterpillar in this chop!"

Waiter (flippantly). "Yessir. About the time o' year for 'em just
now, sir!"

The "Status Quo Ante."—Squire (desiring to improve
the taste of his country friends, has introduced at his table, in the
place of the usual brandied Spanish and Portuguese wines, the natural
vintages of France and Germany). "Now, Mr. Barleymead, how do you like
this 'Chateau Lafitte'? Another glass——" Farmer B. "Thanky, sir;
it's uncommon nice.—(He had drunk a bottle or two.)—But we don't
seem to get no forruder!!"

COMING OUT AS A CONVERSATIONALIST

Young Ganderson (proudly conscious of the general attention) "Oh
yes, it's in Soho, you know. I know the place well. They give you a
capital dinner for eighteenpence—wine included."

Host (proud of his cellar). "And is the wine drinkable?"

Young Ganderson. "Oh yes—very good—better than the wine we're
drinking now!"

AN AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND

Tomkins. "You are going it, old fellow! Real turtle, eh? and venison
to follow, eh?"

Jobkins. "Why, yes—you see it's my wife's birthday; and as she dines
early, I thought I'd celebrate the anniversary in the city."

Mistaken Identity.—(As the De Smiths, to whose
dinner-party he was invited, lived in the next square, Brown thought he
would walk over.) Head waiter (under a wrong impression). "This
won't do, young man! We've been expectin' o' you this 'our and a 'alf!
No napkins laid, no glasses, no——!!!"

[Brown never got over it all the evening.

AN AWFUL CRAMMER

Proprietor of boarding-house (taking stout guest aside). "You'll
excuse me, Mr. Sharpset, but your appetite is so large that I shall be
compelled to charge you a shilling extra. It can't be done at two
shillings!"

Diner. "No! For heaven's sake don't do that! I can eat two
shillings'-worth easy; but if I have to do three—I really—afraid I
should—but I'll try!!"

THE BETTING EVIL.

Waiter (down tube). "Wild duck, one!"

Voice from the kitchen. "Did he? Just like my luck. Backed another
wrong 'un!"

NOT VERY LIKELY

Waiter (in response to the Colonel's very vigorous reminder). "Oh
yes, sir, immediately! 'M—let's see—a glass of milk, sir, wasn't
it?"

FIGURATIVE

Head Waiter (the Old Gent had wished for a stronger cheese). "Hi!
James—let loose the Gorgonzola!"

BEWILDERING

Mr. Wuzzles (up for the cattle-show). "Cheese, waiter!"

'Robert.' "Yessir! Rockfor', commonbare, grew'ere, noochattell,
gorgumzo——"

Mr. Wuzzles (testily). "No, no! I said cheese!"

"ON THE FACE OF IT"

Host. "I don't like this Lafitte half so well as the last, Binns. Have
you noticed any difference?"

New Butler. "Well, sir, for myself I don't drink claret; I find port
agrees with me so much better!!"

Awful Warning!—Guest (at City Company dinner). "I'm
uncommonly hungry!"

Ancient Liveryman (with feeling). "Take care, my dear sir, for
goodness' sake, take care! D' you know it happened to me at the last
Lord Mayor's dinner to burn my tongue with my first spoonful of clear
turtle; 'consequence was—(sighs)—'couldn't taste at
all—anything—for the rest of the evening!!"

It is quite possible to have too much of a good thing—as
for example, when you get the asparagus shot over your favourite
dress-coat with the silk facings.

Testy Old Uncle (unable to control his passion).

"Really, sir, this is quite intolerable! You must intend to insult me.
For the last fourteen days, wherever I have dined, I have had nothing
but saddle of mutton and boiled turkey—boiled turkey and saddle of
mutton. I'll endure it no longer."

    [Exit old gent, who alters his will.

Moral.—How ridiculous a man appears—particularly a man at a grave
period of life—who is over-anxious about his eating and drinking!

"ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

Dyspeptic Diner. "Um"—(forking it suspiciously)—"what is it,
waiter?"

'Robert.' "It says 'ronyongs sorty' on the menoo, sir. But I can't say
what it may be on the dish!"

His Partner. "I really never heard a better speech in
my life! Such a wonderful flow of——"

He. "Great Scott! That reminds me—I've left the bathroom tap at home
full on!!

THE NICE LITTLE DINNER

Tommy (who is standing a feed to Harry). "Oh, hang it, you know,
fourteen bob for a bottle of champagne! That's coming it rather strong,
ain't it?"

Waiter (with perfect composure). "We have some cheap wine, sir, at
half-a-guinea!"

TOO LITERAL BY HALF

Scene.—A "cheap" chop-house not a hundred miles from L—nd—n.

Waiter. "Paysir? Yessir—Whataveyeradsir?"

Matter-of-fact old gentleman (who has been reading the "Quarterly" on
"Food and its adulterations"). "Had? why, let me see: I've had some
horsetail soup, spiced with red-lead and shop-sweepings: a plate of
roast cow, and cabbage boiled with verdigris: a crust of plaster of
Paris, baked with alum and bone-dust: half-a-pint of porter brewed from
quassia and strychnine: and a cup of charred liver, annatto, and other
unknown ingredients."

    [Exit waiter for a straight-waistcoat, and a stomach-pump.

Dolly. "Please, Miss Sharp, mamma says, have you
really left your songs at home?"

Miss Sharp. "Yes, dear. Why?"

Dolly. "Well, papa says 'it sounds too good to be true'!"

Eureka!—Isaacstein (late of Whitechapel, showing old
friend over bathroom in new house). "What am I goin' to do with it?
Vell, you see, I've always rather wanted a place where I could keep
goldfish!"

Juvenile. "Uncle!"

Uncle. "Now then, what is it? This is the fourth time you've woke me
up, sir!"

Juvenile. "Oh! Just put a few coals on the fire, and pass the wine,
that's a good old chap."

SAFEST WAY OF TAKING A LADY DOWN TO DINNER

(Another reminiscence of the days of the crinoline)

SAT UPON

Hospitable Host. "Does any gentleman say pudden?"

Precise Guest. "No, sir. No gentleman says pudden."

Unexpected Gratuity.—Waiter. "Beg pardon, sir, but I
think you've made a mistake. This is a halfpenny!"

Old Gent (grandly). "Oh dear no—not at all, not at all! I never
give less!"

Hickling (to friend, who finds some difficulty in
keeping his cigar alight). "I say, old man, what matches do you
smoke?"

He. "Fond of Bridge?"

She. "Awfully!"

He. "Do you know I always think there's something wanting in people
who don't play?"

Old Party (very naturally excited). "Why, confound you! You are
wiping my plate with your handkerchief!"

Waiter (blandly). "It's of no consequence, sir—it's only a dirty
one!"

IN DESPERATE STRAITS

Jones (blue ribbon—to abstemious lady he has taken in to dinner).
"Look here, madam, we don't seem to be getting on a bit! Either you
must have a glass of champagne, or, by Jove, I must!!"

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

Guest (who is a bon-vivant, to host, who isn't). "You must come and
dine with me, Jones!"

Host. "With pleasure, my dear friend! When?"

Guest. "Now!"

"NOT QUITE THE CHEESE!"

British Farmer. "What sort o' cheese do you call this? Full o' holes!"

Waiter. "Grew-yere, sir."

British Farmer (suspiciously). "Then just bring one that grew
somewhere else!"