A HUMOROUS
HISTORY OF ENGLAND

Preface

“Arms and the man” was Virgil’s strain;


But we propose in lighter vein

To browse a crop from pastures (Green’s)


Of England’s Evolution scenes.

Who would from facts prognosticate


The future progress of this State,

Must own the chiefest fact to be


Her escalator is the Sea.

Prehistoric

HISTORIANS erudite and sage,


When writing of the past stone age,

Tell us man once was clothed in skins


And tattooed patterns on his shins.

Rough bearded and with shaggy locks


He lived in dug-outs in the rocks.

Was often scared and run to earth


By creatures of abnormal girth:

Mammoths and monsters; truth to tell


We find their names too long to spell.

He joined in little feuds no doubt;


And with his weapons fashioned out

Of flint, went boldly to the fray;


And cracked a skull or two per day.

Druids

WE read of priests of Celtic day,


Ancient Druids, holding sway

By smattering of Occult law


And man’s eternal sense of awe.

Stonehenge

They used Stonehenge on Salisbury Plain


Reputed Prehistoric Fane;

Note each megalithic boulder;


No Monument in Europe’s older.

Phœnicians

MERCHANT explorers of that day,


Hustling Phœnicians, came this way

To ship tin ore from Cornish mines


Three thousand years before these lines.

But still in spite of petty strife


Man lived what’s termed the ‘simple life’

Julius Cæsar
B.C. 55
Till Julius Cæsar in five-five


With his galleys did arrive.

He wrote despatches of the best,


‘Veni, Vidi’ and the rest,

Sending the news of victory home;


And flags then fluttered high in Rome.

His ‘photo’ one plain fact discloses


He brought in fashion Roman noses.

Of this great General ’tis allowed


The best ‘Life’ is by J. A. Froude.

Boadicea
A.D. 62

Boadicea earns our praise.


First woman leader in those days;

For Freedom strove all she could do,


’Twas lost in A.D. sixty-two.

Agricola

Then came Agricola one day


And gained a battle near the Tay.

He started trimming up this isle,


And laid out roads in Roman style.

East, North, South, West, it’s safe to say


His handiwork is traced to-day.

The Natives too were taught to know


By busy merchants’ constant flow

The wisdom that great Empire held;


Their ignorance was thus dispelled.

Romans left
A.D. 410

About four hundred-ten A.D.


The Romans left sans cérémonie.

Can it be wondered at when Rome


Was needing help ’gainst Huns at home.

Our antiquarians often find


The relics which they left behind;

A Villa here and pavement there,


Coins galore and Roman ware.

Anglo-Saxons
A.D. 430

AND so we run our flippant rhymes


Right on to Anglo-Saxon times.

Hengist and Horsa with their men


Came from their Jutish pirate den,

Jutes

And paid us visits in their ships


Bent on their ruthless looting trips.

And Angles landing in the Humber


Gave that district little slumber.

They plundered morning, noon, and night,


Were rough, uncouth, and impolite,

No ‘By your leave’ or ‘S’il vous plait’


They came to rob, remained to prey.

Horsa
455

Horsa was slain in four-five-five,


Leaving Hengist still alive

To live out his allotted term,


Surviving partner of the Firm.

King Arthur

Time has many a fable wound


About King Arthur’s table round,

Where Knights quaffed cordials, wines and ales,


And told their little fairy tales.

Augustine
597

About six hundred years A.D.


To teach us Christianity

Came Augustine. Wondrous Story;


Canterbury’s Pile his glory.

Heptarchy
827

Called ‘Heptarchy’ the seven Saxon


States each other made attacks on;

After four hundred years they’d striven


They coalesced in eight-two-seven.

Alfred
872–901

OF good King Alfred we’ve all heard


How when hiding he incurred

A lady’s anger for not taking


Care of Cakes which she was baking.

(Most probably she left the King


While she went out a-gossiping.)

Before he died in nine-nought-one,


Old England’s Navy had begun.

He laid a tax on every town


To aid his fleet to gain renown.

He was the best of Saxon Kings


And did a lot of useful things;

Built Oxford with its noble spires


And mapped out England into Shires.

Danes
783

IN seven-eight-three first came the Danes


Who caused the Saxons aches and pains.

They sailed right up our rivers broad,


Putting the natives to the sword.

“Danegeld”
991

For centuries our sadly fated


Towns by them were devastated.

Etheldred the ‘Unready Toff’


By ‘Danegeld’ tries to buy them off.

Canute
1014–1036

TWO hundred years the raiding Danes


Came over. Then their Canute reigns.

We’ll merely mention that he tried


An object lesson with the tide.

Hardicanute
1039–1041

Hardicanute, sad to confess,


Died from drinking to excess.

He couldn’t conquer love of wine


And with him went the Danish line.

Edward
the Confessor
1041–1066

EDWARD the Confessor staid


The Saxon line renewed. Remade

At Westminster the Abbey grand,


And signed the first ‘Will’ in this land.

And since his time (’tis not refuted)


Scores of Wills have been disputed.

Ah! legal quibbles such as these


Mean Lawyers waxing rich on fees.

Harold
1066

HAROLD last of the Saxon line


At Hastings made an effort fine

And lost his life—it was to be,


Crushed by the men of Normandy.

From Scandinavia they’d come,


And made fair Normandy their home;

William the
Conquerer
1066–1087

Whence William spying out our shore,


Oliver-Twist-like, wanted more.

In ten-six-six he won the day


In that tough fight out Hastings way.

Of course, no record in our reach,


Depicts ‘ole Bill’ thus on the beach.

William the
Conquerer
1066–1087

BUT one thing’s certain. Camera men,


If only they’d existed then,

Would have journeyed many a mile


To ‘snap’ King William’s happy smile.

They made him King and schoolbooks say


He ruled with arbitrary sway;

Demanding with sharp battle axes


Instant payment of big taxes.

Curfew

And p’raps it’s just as well to tell


He introduced the Curfew Bell;

So at the early hour of eight


Each doused his glim, raked out his grate.

In bed at eight P.M. each day


Life was but sombre, dull and grey;

No cutting fancy ball room capers,


No Cinemas or evening papers.

He was a bully it is true,


But to allow him his just due

He made reforms; he also took


In hand the bulky Doomsday book.

IN William’s time we’re glad to write


People began to be polite;

Ladies curtseyed to their beaux,


Who smartly raised their gay chapeaux.

The Jews

The Jews he introduced from Spain


Bringing much knowledge in their train

Of Arts and Science; but ‘Longshanks’


Expelled them with no word of thanks.

Feudalism

These were the well known Feudal days,


Tenants were slaves in many ways

To mighty Lords who owned the land


And ruled them with an iron hand.

Not free from duties were the Lords,


The King could call upon their swords

And men to fight in time of need.


So feudal laws of old decreed.

William Rufus
1087–1100

WILLIAM Rufus or the ‘Red’


In ten-eight-seven ruled instead;

This may be; but we know, alack,


Though he was red his deeds were black.

Crusades
1095

The first Crusade in ten-nine-five,


A million men, a very hive,

Swarm to the East, the Holy plain


From the Mohammedans to gain.

Henry I.
1100–1135

HENRY the First, of wisdom rife,


Saxon Matilda makes his wife,

Saxon and Norman line uniting,


A learned chap who loved not fighting.

Stephen
1135–1154

STEPHEN of Blois ascends the throne


And ’gainst Matilda holds his own;

Grandson of the Conqueror;


Died in eleven-fifty-four.

Henry II.
1154–1189

HENRY the Second claims our rhyme


‘The hardest worker of his time’;

A wiser King we never had


Nor father with his sons so bad.

Becket

This the first ‘Plantagenet’ King


With Becket strove like anything;

Church v.
Crown

Which should be Master, Church or Crown


Pull-King Pull-Bishop; both went down.

Thomas was murdered by four Knights


On steps of Altar—Sorry wights:

With bleeding feet the King atones


By pilgrimage to Becket’s bones.

Despite his struggles with the Church


He knocked the barons off their perch,

Fifteen hundred Castles razing


In a manner quite amazing.

Law

Trial by jury further grows;


The King’s Court in this reign arose;

Our Parliaments from this proceed


And all our other Courts indeed.

Linen

Linen’s first used in twelve-five


Woollens alone in vogue before.

Glass Windows

In eleven-eight-nought first came to pass


The novelty of window glass.

And doubtless playful little boys


Full of children’s simple joys,

Cracked as our youngsters often do


With stones or ball a pane or two.

Richard
Cœur de Lion
1189–1199

Cœur de Lion from one Crusade


Returning was a prisoner made.

But Blondel played an Air he knew,


The King joined in; Voilà the clue.

This catchy tune in a pleasant key


Opened the door to liberty.

John
1199–1216

AND so we’ll quickly journey on


Until we reach the reign of John;

A King whose list of crimes was heavy;


He treated badly his young ‘Nevvy’.

Magna Charta
1215

He signed the Magna Charta. Yes;


In twelve-fifteen, but we may guess

With much ill grace and many a twist;


For King John wrote an awful fist.

John loses Normandy to France


And by this beneficial chance

In England comes amalgamation;


Normans and Saxons form one Nation

Robin Hood

And now we come to Robin Hood,


The Forest bandit of Sherwood,

A popular hero much belauded


But not by folks whom he’d defrauded.

There’s no need to descant upon


His boon companion ‘Little John’;

Or ‘Friar Tuck’ so overblown


He tipped the scale at fifteen stone.

Henry III.
1216–1272

AND what of Henry number Three,


The King who suffered poverty?

It’s very awkward we must own


To be ‘hard up’ when on a Throne;

To have to scrape up an amount


To pay the butcher on account,

Or ask a dun in Kingly way


To kindly call some other day.

Coinage
1257

In twelve-five-seven it is stated


Gold was coined and circulated,

Ha’pence and farthings just before;


In those times worth a great deal more.

Langton
Died 1228

The Bible which from over seas


Had no chapters and no verses

Was by Archbishop Langton’s skill


Divided as we use it still.

Why was it Henry III. allowed


At court a huge rapacious crowd

To drain his coffers nearly dry


Flattering with cajolery?

Astrology

MANY simple folk, (it’s queer)


Used to patronise the seer

And pay cash down for magic spell


Perchance a Horoscope as well.

Or open wide at special rate


That musty tome the Book of Fate;

Or seek the Philtre’s subtle aid


To win the hand of some fair maid.

We mus’nt miss the Troubadours


Who went forth on their singing tours,

Twanging harps and trilling lays


To maids of medieval days.

And Oh! the right good merry times


With Maskers, Mummers and the Mimes,

Hobby horses gaily prancing,


Bats and Bowls and Maypole dancing.

When folks would take a lengthy journey


To see the Knights at Joust or Tourney:

Or watch the early English ‘Knuts’


Show their skill at Archery butts.

Then come gloomy History pages


On torture of the Middle ages;

The clanking fetters grim and black,


The thumbscrew and the awful rack,

The horrors of the dungeon deep


Beneath the moat or castle keep,

Rusty locks and heavy keys


And—let us change the subject, please.

First House of Commons twelve-six-five,


At Westminster they all arrive.

Simon de
Montfort
1265

Simon de Montfort was the man


Who ‘engineered’ this useful plan.

And we can picture these M.P.s


Newly fledged and ill at ease

Doing their level best to try


To catch the embryo speaker’s eye.

Edward I.
1272–1307

EDWARD First ‘Longshanks’ nicknamed


For his lengthy stride far-famed.

Here he is in twelve-seven-two


Bounding along with much ado.

A Soldier, Statesman and a King


His lofty ideals picturing

That England, Scotland, Wales all three,


United should one country be.

First Prince
of Wales
1282

In twelve-eight-two annexes Wales;


Where afterwards no strife prevails.

He promised a Prince with English


So gave his new-born speechless son.

Edward I.
1272–1307
(continued)

NEXT Scotland Edward tries to tackle


No easy task the Scotch to shackle;

Wallace and Bruce resistance make,


The King dies ere he gains the stake.

In Edward’s reign some author writes


They first used candle dips for lights;

And coal came in about this date


Mixed (as to-day) with lots of slate.

So Monarchs, Barons, Dukes and Knights


Warmed their toes with Derby Brights;

But those in hovels had the smuts


Arising from cheap Kitchen Nuts.

Roger Bacon
1293

Roger Bacon (ob. twelve-nine-three)


Versed was in arts of alchemy;

Gunpowder’s composition knew;


And many another chemic brew.

Many Mortmain Acts are passed;


Six centuries these efforts last

To stop the hungry Hierarchy


Devouring all the Squirearchy.

Lollards
1307

Lollards in thirteen-seven arose


Popish rituals to oppose;

John Wycliffe gives to old and young


The Bible in the vulgar tongue.

With John of Gaunt’s protection strong


He dared to preach ’gainst cleric wrong;

Precursor of the Reformation


To liberal thought attuned the nation.

Edward II.
1307–1327

EDWARD the Second with his minions


Governs badly these dominions

Edward III.
1327–1377

His son a man of different mould


Was Edward Three, both wise and bold.

Through clinging to their French domains


Our Kings are French through many reigns

And Edward fighting in this cause


Commenced a hundred years of Wars.

A century’s struggle. For our pains


Only Calais town remains.

French Wars

A century after this ’twas lost,


In Mary’s reign. Oh! what a frost.

Weaving
1331

In thirteen-three-one England’s taught


Weaving by men from Flanders brought.

Ryghte goode cloth with lots of ‘body’


The world was then not up to ‘shoddy.’

Blanket of Bristol in this year


Invented blankets for our cheer;

And since that time its been our boast


Our beds have been as warm as toast.

Edward ‘Black Prince’ One-three-four-six,


A brave and noble warrior, ‘licks’

Crecy
1346

The valiant French in Crecy’s fray;


Cannon first used upon this day,

Causing panic with their rattle;


But the Yeomen win the battle,

For, flicking arrows from their bows


They ‘filled the air as when it snows.’

Thereon the English Calais seize


And of the channel hold the keys;

The Spanish pirates bend the knee


Then Edward III’s ‘King of the sea.’

Parliament
1376

Lords and Commons from this date


Have their meetings separate,

The Commons first a Speaker make


The Chancellors the Woolsack take.

Ten lady members have the Lords


But doubtless fearful of their words,

Or thinking it not orthodoxy,


They only let them vote by proxy.

While Church and Barons have their squabbles


The House of Commons more power nobbles;

On laws and taxes dares speak out


And give the Pope the right-about.

Leasing

LEASING or Farming, we are taught,


Was introduced ’bout twelve-nought-nought;

The Feudal system’s weakened and


The Tenants ‘usufruct’ the land.

On various counts the serfs go free


And work for wages (Edward Three).

The Black Death and the foreign wars


In labour ranks commotion cause;

Strikes and craftsmen’s combination


Then arise among the nation;

These movements preached by one John Ball,


Who, born too soon, was hanged withal.

Richard II.
1377–1399

NOW comes the Second Richard’s reign.


It is recorded very plain

That he was full of discontent


Quarrelling with his Parliament.

Poll Tax
1380

With his taxes super-sated


The peasants grew exasperated;

They threw their spades and pitchforks down


And marched as rebels into town.

Thirteen-eighty’s Poll taxation


Puts equal tax on all the nation;

Lays seven thousand peasants dead;


Wat Tyler and Jack Straw at head.

Præmunire

Præmunire Act is passed


To check the Papal Bulls at last.

Chaucer

Chaucer the Poet this same year


Makes Pilgrimage to Becket’s bier.

Age of
Chivalry

This was the age, aye verily,


Of ryghte goode noble chivalry,

When Knights went forth through storm and stress


To rescue beauty in distress.

Or sallied out in valiant way


A monster dragon for to slay,

Or with lance or trusty blade


Defend from harm the hapless maid.

Henry IV.
1399–1413

HENRY Four, called ‘Bolingbroke’


In Richard’s wheel puts many a spoke;

Compels him to resign the throne


Which thereupon he makes his own.

Through John of Gaunt, Lancastrian famed,


His title to the crown he claimed;

The Parliament confirms his right


And thus he’s king without a fight.

Lollards
1401

In this reign persecution’s turned


Against the Lollards—Cobham’s burned.

Incredible! The records show


A statute ‘de Comburondo.’

Henry V.
1413–1422

FROM fourteen-thirteen, Henry Five,


For many years with France did strive;

His Widow founds the Tudor House


By taking Owen for her spouse.

Henry VI.
1422–1461

HENRY Six, next in our rhymes,


For fifty years had troublous times;

Wars of Roses, Wars with France,


The poor man never had a chance.

Joan of Arc
1430

Joan of Arc the peasant Maid


Inspired the French with Mystic aid;

Disunited, we make peace,


All France but Calais we release.

Constantinople
1453

Constantinople’s seized by Turks


Causing Greek Scholars (with their works)

To fly to Italy; and thence


Learning’s reborn—‘The Renaissance.’

Edward IV.
1461–1483

IN Edward Fourth, fourteen-six-one


The House of York obtains the Throne.

He wins at Towton’s bloody fray,


No quarter given on that day.

Guy, Earl of Warwick in these frays


Was always turning different ways;

Barnet
1471

On Barnet Field he met his doom


The Rose of York’s now well abloom.

The Barons, Church and Commons fall,


The King emerges Boss of all.

Benevolences he exacts,


An early form of Super Tax.

Earl of
Warwick

‘Kingmaker’ was Earl Warwick styled


With his manner scarcely mild

He set Kings up and bowled them down


Playing at ninepins with the Crown.

Wars of Roses
1485

White and Red Rose warring madly


Bled the country very sadly,

Three-and-thirty years contending;


At Bosworth Field we see the ending.

Printing
1473

First in fourteen-seventy-three


We print from type in this Countree.

Now it is that time’s first measured


By monster watches greatly treasured.

Thomas Parr this centurie


His hundred-fifty years did see;

But Henry Jenkins, so ’tis said,


In age was seventeen years ahead.

Hoary patriarchs were these


Retaining p’raps their faculties;

What a comfort ’tis to mention


Neither drew the old age pension.

PRINTING started through the Nation


A taste for higher education;

Here is a citizen at home;


Note his very brainy Dome.

Richard III.
1483–1485

RICHARD (Crookback) in fateful hour


Smothered his nephews in the Tower,

He murdered them the Crown to gain;


A heavy price for three years’ reign.

The Scutcheon’s blotted terribly


Of this King Richard number Three,

For it seems his recreation


Was ordering decapitation.

1485

On Bosworth Field when sorely pressed


He made a bid th’uncommonest

‘My kingdom for a horse’ he cried;


No offers coming, there he died.

Henry VII.
1485–1509

LANCASTRIAN Richmond wins the fight


And to make his title right

Elizabeth of York espouses,


Thus uniting the two Houses.

This Henry Seven of Tudor line


To misers’ habits did incline;

Twelve millions stated to possess,


A tidy little fortune! Yes!

Star Chamber

Much he managed to extort


By means of a Star Chamber Court

From the rich nobles; A new wile


For adding to the kingly pile.

With cash in hand he could attain


His wish as Autocrat to reign;

As sole possessor of the guns


The King no risk from rebels runs.

Columbus
1498

COLUMBUS, full of travellers’ lore,


By going West sought India’s shore;

But found America’s wondrous land;


His ‘exes’ paid by Ferdinand.

Of voyagers we’ve now a lot


Vasco da Gama and Cabot,

Who sailed from Bristol, whence it grew


Bristolians claim this fine cuckoo.

Henry VIII.
1509–1547

NOW Henry Eight comes on the screen,


A stalwart youth, ætat. eighteen;

With youthful hope the nation’s buoyed;


Only, alas! to be destroyed.

Henry VIII.
1509–1547
(continued)

THIS King Henry number Eight


Six times tried the married state;

And certainly of all the Kings


Spent the most on wedding rings.

But to search through old Archives


For tales of Henry and his wives

And all their little tiffs to trace


We cannot spare the time or space.

Yet there are some who fain would sing


The praises of this rotund King;

But as a husband we’re afraid


His category’s lowest grade.

He wielded harsh the despot’s power,


And packed his wives off to the Tower;

Consigned them to a fate most dreaded;


Two, alas! he had beheaded.

Reformation
1517

MARTIN Luther, fifteen-one-seven,


Sows his Reformation leaven;

It finds a culture medium here


In the ‘New Learning’s’ atmosphere.

Of this New Learning More’s the chief,


Utopia’s Author, He’s ’mid grief

Beheaded, saying cool and calm,


‘Cut not my beard, that’s done no harm.’

His friend Erasmus, Logic’s Master,


Trimmed his sails and ’scaped disaster.

A third, Dean Colet who St. Paul’s


School London into being calls.

Wolsey
1530

In fifteen-thirty Wolsey great,


A Cardinal and Man of State,

From Butcher’s son had risen high.


Reader! consult your Shakespeare nigh.

Blamed by some; by others praised;


He fell; but still the pile he raised

Most nobly graces Hampton Court.


Give Wolsey then a tender thought.

His main ambition that the King


Should be supreme in everything;

Thomas
Cromwell

And Thomas Cromwell followed suit


To make his master absolute

Head of the Church within his realm.


These two most able at the helm;

But not with skill enough endued


To ’scape their King’s ingratitude.

Despotical the King’s power grew.


He’s England’s Pope by Act of Su-

Premacy; as, to gain divorce,


The foreign Pope is banned perforce.

1537

Now Bluff King Harry gives the Monks


A series of most awful funks;

Three thousand odd of their domains


He ‘collars’ for his Courtiers’ gains.

Edward VI.
1547–1553

EDWARD Six to the throne succeeds


A pious youth of goodly deeds;

One, well known in the Capital,


The Blue Coat School (Christ’s Hospital).

Mary
1553–1558

QUEEN Mary One, in Smithfield Square,


At Oxford, Gloucester and elsewhere,

Burned poor Martyrs by the score;


The Romish faith she would restore.

Elizabeth
1558–1603

HAIL now to thee our good Queen Bess,


Garbed in the puffed and padded dress,

Farthingale and starched up frills,


Meaning heavy laundry bills.

Od’s Bodikins; what monstrous ruffs,


What gowns of rich embroidered stuffs

Piped and scolloped, trimmed with furs,


And shaped like huge gasometers.

Now we’ve warfare of the Creeds,


For their thoughts all Europe bleeds;

Each party seeks by force to make


The other side its faith forsake.

Spain the Great Power of those days


In these contentions first part plays.

Drake

Drake at bowls on Plymouth Hoe


Left his game to meet this foe

And came home laden we are told


With seachests full of Spanish gold.

Armada
1588

In fifteen-eight-eight Armada strong


From Spain to squash us comes along;

Which Howard, Frobisher and Drake


And stormy weather overtake.

Shakespeare
1564–1616

AND in these epoch making days


Shakespeare wrote and staged his plays;

Weaving a thread whose magic strands


Entwine all English-speaking lands.

Fifteen-eight-seven Scots’ Queen Mary


Lost her head through fate contrary.

When Henry Eight had robbed the Church


’Twas found the poor were in the lurch;

Poor Law

A law was passed about this date


To place the poor upon the rate.

Sir Walter
Raleigh
1552–1618

SIR Walter Raleigh, best of Knights,


The first to taste the keen delights

Of the enchantress so serene,


The Ryghte Goode Ladye Nicotine.

No information’s yet to hand


Concerning Raleigh’s favourite brand;

Tobacco

Was it coarse-cut shag which burns


The tongue, or birdseye or returns?

Queen
Elizabeth

Good Queen Bess we understand


Had crowds of suitors for her hand;

And here we beg to give a view


Of suitors waiting in a queue.

Queen
Elizabeth
(continued)

AS time rolled on this Good Queen Bess


Lost somewhat of her sprightliness;

She got into a nervous state


Was mopish and disconsolate.

Now, as everyone will own,


Had ‘Iron Jelloids’ been but known

In Bess’s time; why, it’s conceded


’Twas just the Tonic that she needed.

East India
Company
1600
The great ‘John Comp’ny’ now began


Its fine career without a plan.

Great! The Elizabethan Age.


In History’s book a glorious page.

Somewhere or other we’ve heard snuff


Came in the days of frill and ruff;

And here’s a noble ill at ease


Giving the first recorded sneeze.

James I.
1603–1625

JAMES Six of Scotland, miscalled a ‘fule’


As James One of England comes to rule.

Gramercy! ’tis a canny thing


To be a ‘double-barrelled’ King.

The son of Mary Queen of Scots


Of learning he had lots and lots,

Writing sundry ponderous books


’Gainst ’bacca, witches and their spooks.

James thought his kingly power divine


And, loathing Puritanic ‘whine,’

He vowed to make them all comply


Or else he’d ‘know the reason why.’

Pilgrim Fathers
1620

His persecution to escape


Some Zealots in the ‘Mayflower’ shape

Their course for an uncharted world


Where Freedom’s Flag could be unfurled.

These ‘Pilgrim Fathers’ found a state


‘New England,’ blessed with happy fate.

Folks have called the first King James


Most uncomplimentary names;

To wit ‘a sloven’ and ‘a glutton’;


Perhaps his weakness was Scotch Mutton.

And as to gluttony, ‘Gadzooks’!


If what we read in History books

Is true, they all were trenchermen;


There were no diet faddists then.

It startles us, one must declare,


To read their breakfast bill of fare;

All ‘Kynes’ of ale, some highly spiced


And divers meats, roast, boiled and sliced.

In James’ reign a man could get


For money down a coronet

And titles with the greatest ease


Like folks to-day buy soap and cheese.

Harvey

Yet a learned time; for Harvey shows


That blood’s not stagnant, but it flows;

Lord Bacon

‘Experiment!’ Lord Bacon cries


‘There is no progress otherwise.’

5th November
1605

OF troubles James had quite a lot,


For instance the Gunpowder Plot.

It fizzled out but left to-day


A liking for Firework display.

So rockets with their sweeping curves,


Crackers which upset the nerves

And squibs with their infernal din


To this date owe their origin.

Charles I.
1625–1649

HIS son Charles One we understand


Ruled England with a grasping hand;

For he was never loth to levy


Taxes burdensome and heavy.

He moved in an expensive set,


Was always heavily in debt;

In fact this monarch with his frills


Was snowed up to the neck with bills.

He was courtly, graceful, distingué,


And when the scaffold came his way

‘He nothing common did or mean


Upon that memorable scene.’

He had a very taking way


And made his taxed up subjects pay;

And over taxing it is said


This Monarch fairly lost his head.

Petition of
Right—1628

The ‘Petition of Right’ a famous Act,


The Commons from the King exact;

Giving the subject on his own


A remedy against the throne.

First
Newspaper
1621

In sixteen-hundred-twenty-one


Our first news-sheet began its run;

For twenty years ’twas going strong


Then the first Censor came along.

This journal cribbing from the Dutch


Lacked the smart journalistic touch;

And also photographic views,


‘Sporting pars’ and ‘Stop-press News.’

Cotton
1630

COTTON first came from India’s shore


In sixteen-thirty, less or more;

Where for three thousand years it grew,


Also in Egypt and Peru.

Grim reading is the note confessing


Gangs went out for Navy pressing,

Forcing many a timid knave


To spend his life on ocean wave.

Ship Money
1636

Charles raises the ship money tax;


He thought he only had to ‘ax’;

When Hampden strenuously objected,


The King was very much affected.

Strafford
1641

Earl Strafford (‘Thorough’) in his pride


‘The King shall rule the Commons’ cried;

The Commons would not brook such stuff


And cut his head off. ‘Quantum Suff.’

The ‘Grand Remonstrance’ is put forth


By the Commons who are wrath

With the King’s despotic ways


Quite unsuited to these days.

The King tries hard to put in jail


Five Members but without avail;

Hollis, Strode, Haslerig and Pym


And Hampden (we must mention him);

They’re guarded from the Royal hands


By Watermen and City Bands.

The ‘die is cast’ and Civil War


For seven long years the Nation tore.

Civil Wars
1642–1648

CROMWELL greatest of the foemen


With his faithful English Yeomen;

These ‘Roundheads’ sober, grim, religious


To ‘Cavaliers’ gave blows prodigious.

Their character’s seen in the cry


‘Trust God and keep your powder dry.’

Naseby
1645

The Cavaliers and Roundheads fought


In many a field, ’till Naseby brought

To Generals Cromwell and Fairfax


A crowning victory, though not ‘pax.’

The King’s beheaded, but the State


Experiences no headless fate;

A commonwealth’s forthwith proclaimed


And Cromwell’s soon Protector named.

Dunbar
1650

In sixteen-fifty Dunbar sees


The Royal Scots brought to their knees;

And in the second Worcester fight


Cromwell for good asserts his might.

Worcester
1651

And there are those who love to tell


About that day at Boscobel

When Charles the Second’s Majestye


Found itself doubly ‘up a tree.’

And now we meet that quiet man


Known as the early Puritan;

Mild and placid in his talk,


Calm and measured in his walk.

Commonwealth
1649–1660

Oliver Cromwell bluff and bold,


Was cast in Nature’s sternest mould,

Lacking maybe the courtly grace


And proud of warts upon his face.

He fought the Irish and the Scotch


And with his navy beat the Dutch

Let all his faults condonéd be,


He kept us up on land and sea.

Commonwealth
(continued)

HE seemed to like bold argument


And wordy wars with Parliament;

He made things lively we infer


Frequently at Westminster.

With M.P.s he had many a bout


And one day cleared the whole lot out;

Locked the door and took the key;


Those not the days of ‘Wait and See.’

Charles II.
1660–1685

CROMWELL’S death brings Restoration


And Charles Two lands ’mid acclamation.

After his leaps from twig to twig


He now has ‘Otium cum Dig.’

In merry Charles the Second’s age


Woman first acted on the stage;

The King encouraged much this vogue


He was a pleasure seeking rogue.

‘He never said a foolish thing,


Nor did a wise one’; this the King

Countered with ‘My words my own


My acts my ministers’ alone’;

1662

In sixteen-six-two year of grace,


Charles taxed every fire-place;

And citizens who couldn’t pay


Shivered and grumbled as to-day.

These were the times of Musketeers


And proud and dashing Cavaliers;

When words were few and tempers hot


And duels fought out on the spot.

John Bunyan

THE tinker preacher Bunyan wrote


The ‘Pilgrim’s Progress’ we still quote,

The prison bars no barrier wrought


To lowly Bunyan’s lofty thought.

Milton
1678

In stately language Milton’s muse


The Bible story doth diffuse;

From ‘Paradise Lost’ we get our view


Of Adam and Eve and Satan too.

The Reverend Titus Oates, a scamp,


Egregious Popish plots did vamp,

Lied roundly for dishonest gains,


Got Cat-o’-nine-tails for his pains.

Habeas Corpus
1679

The ‘Habeas Corpus’ best of laws


Shields us from prison without cause;

’Twas passed in sixteen-seventy-nine,


And means ‘Produce him here,’ in fine.

Van Tromp

Admiral Van Tromp, Dutchman bold,


With broom at masthead, so ’tis told,

The Channel sailed, suggesting he’s


Swept all the English from the seas.

Blake

But Blake laughed loud and spread his sails


Nought the Dutchman now avails;

For he got an awful shocker


Right to Davy Jones’ locker.

But though the Dutch failed to invade,


They were not disinclined to trade;

So we get ‘Hollands,’ cheese and hams


Fresh from the land of Dykes and Dams.

Peace of Breda
1667

For fifteen years these Navies fought,


’Till sixteen-six-seven respite brought;

The Peace of Breda then succeeded;


New York to England was conceded.

Plague

In sixty-five the Plague appears


And then the Fire; two awful years

Fire of London
1665–1666

For London—And if more you’d know


Consult the Pages of Defoe.

James II.
1685–1688

WHEN Charles Two died his brother James


Soon put the country into flames;

Papistry he would advance,


And for that purpose leagued with France.

In sixteen-eight-eight his bigot zeal


Religious Test Act would repeal;

Seven bold Bishops who defied


To the Tower were sent and tried.

The country raised a hue and cry


So off to France the King doth fly.

William III.
1689–1702

HIS place is filled by William Three


His son-in-law from Dutch countree.

This Orange sprig most brave of men


With Mary reigns and all things then

Went well with us. Macaulay’s page


Hails him as Hero of the age.

In this reign of William Three,


Laws were harsh ’gainst burglary;

For they’d a very drastic way


And hanged the ‘Bill Sykes’ of that day.

National Debt
1694

In sixteen-nine-four we have heard


The National Debt was first incurred;

To careful folk who would invest


’Twas not devoid of interest.

Another National Debt we owe


To Iron Jelloids which the foe

Depression’s worries keep at bay


And drive our nervous fears away.

Bill of Rights
1689

The ‘Bill of Rights,’ a Charter grand,


In sixteen-eight-nine frees this land

From all encroachments of the Crown


Hoi Polloi are no longer down.

Queen Anne
1702–1714

GOOD Queen Anne we know is dead;


She reigned twelve years but it is said

‘Mrs. Morley,’ Marlborough’s wife


Ruled her more than half her life.

Marlborough

This was the Duke of Marlborough’s day,


Who beat the French in every fray;

Known for his famous victories


At Blenheim and at Ramillies.

In seventeen-seven by statute passed


English and Scotch unite at last;

‘One coinage and one Parliament’


Both Nations ever since content.

About this time, so runs the story,


Much is heard of ‘Whig and Tory’;

And shortly after there was rife


Many a sign of party strife.

Dr. Watts
1674–1748

Good Dr. Watts’ moral lays


Were much reputed in these days;

And still we lisp at Mother’s knee


‘How doth the little Busy Bee.’

Pope
1688–1744

Pope, letter-writer and great poet,


Most quotable of all (ye know it),

At Twickenham penned his caustic verse


Epigrammatic, smooth and terse.

George I.
1714–1727

THE House of Stuart being ended,


George of Hanover (descended

From daughter of King Jamie One)


Comes over to ascend our throne.

Of English George knew not a word,


Most awkward, not to say absurd,

At Cabinet Councils to preside;


So from this time the practice died.

George II.
1727–1760

HIS son George Two succeeding then


In person fought at Dettingen.

Both these Kings had various fights


In Scotland with the Jacobites.

William Tull brings in Post Chaises;


Now the people ride like ‘blazes.’;

Many can’t for they’re in trouble,


Ruined by the South Sea Bubble.

Wesleys
1703–1791

John and Charles Wesley, men of mind,


Revive Religion in Mankind.

Founding a Church both broad and low,


One-seven-three-nought A. Domini.

Clive
1746

Beginning as an office clerk


As soldier Clive soon made his mark,

And conquered India for this Nation;


Self ’stounded at his moderation.

Bridgwater, Gilbert, Brindley, three


Great Engineers this Centurie,

Canals

Useful canals in England made,


The flowing arteries of trade.

Quebec
1759

General Wolfe seventeen-five-nine


Captures Quebec—a victory fine,

And Canada’s the splendid prize


For old ‘John Bull’ to colonise.

George III.
1760–1820

AND now of Georgey number Three:


Ut mulus obstinatus he

Had full sixty years of reign


And a big family to train.

Georgian
Times

WE will but very lightly scan


The customs known as ‘Georgian’;

The times of powdered Belles and Beaux;


Patches, paint and furbelows;

Of beauteous maids and gallants gay


And merry routs at Ranelagh;

Gaming parties, cards or pool


And ‘Fops’ of the Beau Brummel School.

When rank and fashion History tells


All took their cures among the Wells;

And sipped in manner hesitating


Daily doses nauseating.

But we know better how to act


Our cures we purchase more compact

For in the Chemists’ you can see


‘Iron Jelloids’ priced at ‘One and Three.’

Lord ‘Periwig’ and gay ‘Fallal’


In Sedan Chairs frequent the Mall.

‘Taxis’ and ‘Tubes’ we beg to state


Came in at a much later date.

When Brummel, the historic Beau,


Made laws for dress and outward show;

Whose vests were poems, whose coats were dreams


Of gorgeous beauty, so it seems;

Who figured in the public gaze


A ‘Star turn’ with his courtly ways;

Who fixed the style of a cravat,


Lord of Appeal anent a hat.

And My Lord Chesterfield was quite


The model of the most polite

Wrote famous letters. It’s a shame,


A settee has usurped his name.

Dr. Johnson
1709–1784

And Dr. Johnson at his ease


Sipped his tea at the ‘Cheshire Cheese,’

Or at the ‘Mitre’ of renown,


Spreading his wit throughout the Town.

Garrick

When Garrick as the ‘Moody Dane’


Drew the Town to Drury Lane,

Mrs. Siddons

Sarah Siddons was all the rage


Tragedy Queen of every age.

Highwaymen arméd to the teeth


Waited for prey on Hounslow Heath;

Per contra the Highwayman’s pate


Was oft strung up at Tyburn Gate.

Capt. Cook
1728–1779

It’s only right a History book


Should mark the feats of Captain Cook;

So jot it down in these our Rhymes


That round the World he sailed three times.

Inventions
1767

These are the days of much invention


The ‘Spinning Jenny’ we will mention;

The ‘Cotton Mule’ and ‘Power Loom’;


For Authors’ names there’s lack of room.

Adam Smith
1766

In his book ‘The Wealth of Nations’


Adam Smith shows the relations

Governing the Art of Trading;


With influences far pervading.

‘Man buys as cheaply as he can


And sells as dearly, that’s his plan.’

‘Supply Demand each other feed


Dearer markets cheap ones bleed.’

Jenner
1796

Jenner brings in vaccination,


Boon to every generation;

By similar methods now devised


Many an ill is exorcised.

American War
1775

IN seventeen-sixty and fifteen


Our Taxes raise the Yankees’ spleen.

‘Unrepresented, you’ve no right


To tax us, therefore we will fight.’

Washington, Franklin and the rest


Formed a Republic quite the best;

We’ve long been friends. Let us rejoice;


But at the time we had no choice.

French
Revolution

IN France in times of Louis Seize (says)


Oppression dire through countless days

Roused Revolution with its tears


Mainly through books with wrong ideas.

Napoleon I.
1793–1815

From Revolution’s putrid mess


A Conqueror’s born, quite conscienceless,

Millions of men and women died


Victims to Napoleon’s pride.

He plunged all Europe into Wars


His own ambition the sole cause.

England as usual did her ‘bit’


And ‘Boney’ Europe had to quit.

During these years of storm and stress


Two noble pilots we possess

‘Chatham and Son’ (Pitt is their name),


Illustrious on the scroll of fame.

Nelson 1805

Here we must our homage pay


To Nelson of Trafalgar Day;

Wellington

To Wellington the same is due,


Who crowned his fame at Waterloo.

AND ‘Shiver my timbers,’ ‘Heave ahoy,’


The Tar, those times a breezy boy

With shiny hat and pigtail long


And love for lass and glass and song.

Discovery of
Electric Force

About this date Electric Force


Dawns on mankind. Before, of course,

In Lightning it was all about,


With noise enough to be found out.

Coelo eripuit fulmen,


’Twas said of Franklin, as ye ken.

Philosopher of bygone age


Accept our homage on this page.

But who’d have thought it that Galvani


When making soup, (this is no blarney)

By his power of observation


On a frog’s legs’ oscillation

Should find how by chemic ways


Electric currents we can raise?

To call him ‘great’ is no flattery;


He set us on the wondrous battery.

This simple little frog, Heigh Ho!


The frog who would a-wooing go;

Thy part in electricity


Is unmatched eccentricity.

This new discovered fact, of course,


Leads to the Telegraph of Morse,

The Motor and Electric Light


The Telephone and more in sight.

Ireland

OF Ireland but a word or two.


Celts were her people and they knew

Not benefit of Roman Ruling;


Young Europa’s Infant Schooling.

In century five St. Patrick great


Converts them to the Christian state;

And from this Western Isle afar,


English and Scotch converted are.

Danes and
Ireland

Two hundred years from nine-nought-nought


Danes raiding Erin trouble brought;

And left them in chaotic state


No longer masters of their fate.

In those days ’twas ‘Woe to the weak,’


Saxons and Danes had made us squeak,

Then came the Normans in great force


And civilised us in due course.

They tried the same with Ireland green;


But only sowed a feud between

The land they’d conquered and Erin,


Leading to endless quarrelling.

Cromwell

England accepts the Reformation,


Catholic still the Irish nation

Boyne

Sees Cromwell with them battle join


And William beat them at the Boyne.

William Pitt in eighteen-nought-nought


Ireland and England’s welfare sought

Act of Union
1800

By ‘Act of Union’ which he passed;


But still the wretched squabbles last.

George IV.

NOW come George Four and Will his brother;


With these two kings we need not bother;

William IV.

The first a gourmand, bon viveur,


The next a sailor, bluff, sans peur.

Trevithick, Newcomen, and Watt


Are names will never be forgot;

For their crude engines were the source


Of man’s control of Steam’s wild force.

Steam
1830

By eighteen-thirty man has tamed


Steam to his use; and widely famed

Was puffing ‘Rocket’ with the power


Of doing thirty miles an hour.

Steam prompts man to make machines


And Factories rise with all that means;

Divided more and more is labour


Each man leans more on his neighbour.

For twenty million pounds the nation


Buys our slaves’ emancipation.

Reform Act

In eighteen-three-two, happy year,


The great Reform Act doth appear.

Steam vessels the Atlantic cross.


The penny post comes into force.

And double knocks bring joys and thrills


Sometimes cheques, more often bills.

Corn Law
Repeal 1846

The Corn Law duty’s brushed away,


Hence we enjoy cheap bread to-day.

WE fain would linger, but alas,


These are the periods we must pass.

So gentle reader do not grin


At sight of cumbrous crinoline.

Victoria
1837–1901

Since Queen Victoria’s palmy days


Woman has altered all her ways.

In those days she was meek and mild


And treated almost like a child;

Woman’s
Status

Was brought up in a narrow zone;


And couldn’t call her soul her own.

She vegetated, ’tis well known


Under the ‘cloche’ of Chaperone.

But now the ‘Franchise’ she obtains,


And her own property retains.

What a difference from then,


She ‘carries on’ just like the men.

And now at Westminster we see


A lady sitting as M.P.

Darwin
1809–1882

CHARLES Darwin offers us a Key


To help unlock the mystery

Of Evolution’s wondrous span


From Protoplasm up to Man.

Livingstone
1813–1873

The traveller, great Scotch Livingstone,


Wandered o’er Afric’s trackless Zone;

Where no white man had ever trod


Teaching the blacks the Word of God.

Crimean War

English, French and Turks unite


’Gainst Russia in Crimean fight.

Indian Mutiny

The Indian Mutiny now arose,


‘Fat’ was the cause that led to blows.

Atlantic Cable

With efforts many men most able


Lay the great Atlantic Cable.

Suez Canal

Lesseps unites for you and me


The Medit’ranean and Red Sea.

Education Act

The Education Act proposes


To make us all as wise as Moses;

In eighteen-seven-nought it passed,


But each is learning to the last.

Ballot Act
1872

A couple of years from this we note


The Ballot Act gives secret vote;

Before this Act, e’en since we fear,


Folks sold their votes for draughts of beer.

Edward VII.
1901–1910

EDWARD Seven, ‘Peacemaker’ named,


His efforts to this end far famed.

We know it was no idle chance


His ‘Entente cordiale’ with France.

True friendship and the peace we want


The outcome of this grand Entente.

Though not accented in our rhyme


We’ve been fighting all the time;

And it’s a fact which must be stated


Our chief opponent (so ’twas fated)

Wars with
France

Our nearest neighbour o’er the Sea


Whose ‘No’ is ‘Non’; whose ‘Yes’ is ‘Oui’;

Like two schoolboys always sparring


Eight hundred years together warring;

From Hastings unto Waterloo


We’d battles with the brave ‘Mossoo.’

Now Honi soit qui still y pense;


Hurrah for England! Vive la France!

AND here we come to end our rhymes


We’ve reached the present stirring times,

When one and all lent helping hand


To keep secure the Motherland.

When men went forth to fight the foe


And women took to spade and hoe,

And donning smocks of nattiest styles,


Worked on the land for Farmer Giles.

Now three cheers for the dainty maids,


Government clerks of different grades;

Nor are we likely to forget


Our debt to the Munitionette.

The
Present Time

We seem to have subdued the Hun


And so farewell (our task is done)

To Anzacs-Indians-Poilus-Yanks—
Italians-Belgians-Japs-and-Tanks.